Subject: Situations (Page 18)

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

His insomnia was so bad, he couldn't sleep during office hours.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Situations Sleep Work

When the going gets tough, the tough get going.

1913 – 1983) American college football coach
Life Situations

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Situations Time

When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder.

(1925 – 2010) American humorist & writer
Situations

Before birds get sucked into jet engines, do they ever think, "Is that Rod Stewart in first class?"

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Situations

How do you know if it's time to wash the dishes and clean your house?… look inside your pants and if you find a penis in there, it's not time.

(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian
Housework Men People Situations

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Problems Situations

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Children People Situations Women

Upgraded: Didn't work the first time.

Definitions Situations

What the hell is a ‘time out;” when I was growing up, we had black outs.

(1962 – ) American actor & comedian
Children Family Situations

Trade-offs have been with us ever since the late unpleasantness in the Garden of Eden.

(1930 – ) economist, social commentator & author
History Situations

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step… I’m like that all the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self Situations

When the blind leadeth the blind… get out of the way.

Proverbs Situations

If a man who cannot count finds a four-leaf clover, is he lucky?

(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
Characteristics Situations

If I was “The Bachelor” we’d all play Mario Kart for eight weeks… then I’d pick the one with the biggest boobs.

American comedian
People Situations Women

To be an ideal guest, stay at home.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Situations

Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations

I often think about my future wife and how lax she's been about getting in touch with me.

(1969 – ) American stand-up comedian
Future Relationships Situations Time

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: air conditioning… problem solved.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Work

I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
People Situations Time