Subject: Situations (Page 2)

A day without sunshine is like… well, night.

Situations Time

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, …

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

Sometimes you can’t hear me, because sometimes I am in parentheses.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Order is an exotic in Ireland; it has been imported from England but it will not grow. It suits neither soil nor climate.

(1818 – 1894) English historian, novelist, biographer & editor
Places Situations

You have to kiss a lot of toads before you find a handsome prince.

Dating Relationships Situations

I like to play chess with bald men in the park, although it's hard to find 32 of them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Situations

I accidentally walked in on my roommate and his girlfriend having sex; fortunately they didn't see me for almost 10 minutes.

American comedian
Sex Situations

Either I’ve been missing something or nothing has been going on.

American author
Situations

If a thing is worth doing, it is worth doing slowly… very slowly.

(1911 – 1970) American burlesque entertainer, actress, author & playwright
Situations

The first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Situations Time

I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them… I was lying to get sex.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Emotions Love Sex Situations

Right now I’m having amnesia and deja vu at the same time — I think I’ve forgotten this before.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health Memory Situations

North Miami is one of those exits off I-95 where you say, 'Damn it, I don't need gas that bad.'

comedian
Places Situations

A manager cannot tell if he is leading an innovative mob or being chased by it.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Family Ideas Intelligence Mothers Situations

I played a blank tape on full volume; the mime who lives next door complained.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Music Situations

When I was 15 years old, I got my learner’s permit, which meant that the state of Florida was now obligating me to learn to drive with the two worst drivers in the world: my mom and my dad.

(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author
Autos Driving Family Parents Situations

The best time I ever had with Joan Crawford was when I pushed her down the stairs in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?

(1908 – 1989) American actress of film, television & theater
Insults Situations

The incidence of anything worthwhile is either 15-25 percent or 80-90 percent.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs Situations

Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Time