Subject: Situations (Page 2)

My sister was with two men in one night… she could hardly walk after that; can you imagine – two dinners!

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Relationships Situations

Children have more energy after a hard day of play than they do after a good night's sleep.

Children Murphy’s Laws Situations Sleep

Folks playing leapfrog must complete all jumps.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Before I met her, I drank and swore without reason… now I have a reason.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor
Alcohol Situations

I almost got a girl pregnant in high school; it's costing me a fortune to keep the rabbit on a life-support system.

(12/06/1953 – ) American actor, comedian, director & game show host
Sex Situations

The minute a man reaches thirty thousand feet, he immediately becomes consumed by distasteful sexual fantasies which involve doing uncomfortable things in those tiny toilets.

American playwright, television writer & author
Men People Sex Situations

Whether the glass is half-full or half empty, depends on whether you are drinking or pouring.

Situations

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

(1874 – 1963) American poet
Government Memory Situations

If you're watchin' a parade, make sure you stand in one spot, don't follow it, it never changes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Entertainment Situations

My friend Sam has one leg… I went to his house; I couldn't go up the stairs.


Situations

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don’t accidentally walk through into another dimension.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Never saw off the branch you are on, unless you are being hanged from it.

(1909 – 1966) Polish poet, writer & aphorist
Problems Situations

Sometimes, when I’m sure people can only see the back of my head, I enjoy sneaking in a quick catnap at work; they never last too long though, because invariable someone rings the bell telling me they want to get off my bus.

Situations

I took this girl to dinner, and I heard that women like it when you order for them, so I was like, 'I'll have the special, and she's not getting anything tonight.'

(1981 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Food/Drink People Situations Women

A rut is a grave with the ends knocked out.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Situations Things

Necessity is the mother of taking chances.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Family Ideas Intelligence Mothers Situations

The Bluebird of Happiness long absent from his life, Ned is visited by the Chicken of Depression.

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
Situations

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Shopping Situations

How could I confuse “I love you” with “May I take your order?

(1982 – ) American author
Communication Situations

I remember what I was doing the first time I told someone I loved them… I was lying to get sex.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Emotions Love Sex Situations

The usefulness of any meeting is in inverse proportion to the attendance.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations