Subject: Situations (Page 20)

Sometimes people have had terrible childhoods… and sometimes they just haven’t found their special place in life… and sometimes they’re dogs from hell and must be destroyed.

(1912 – 1988) American cartoonist (The Addams Family)
People Situations

We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities.

(1913 – 1973) American animator & cartoonist (Pogo)
Characteristics Situations

Anyone who says, 'You had to be there,' should just not have told you the thing in the first place because it's not funny.

(1968 – ) American actor & comedian
Communication Laughter Situations

All the good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.

(1892 – 1942) American painter
Animals Ideas Intelligence Situations

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, “Do you want these in a bag?” I said, “Oh, no, man, I juggle.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Situations

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. “Here’s a drink, Mitch – it’s ice cold.” I guess I could lick it.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Food/Drink Situations

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Doctors Health Situations

The grass is always greener on the side that’s watered.

Proverbs Situations

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

I wouldn’t kidnap a man for sex, but I’m not saying I couldn’t use someone to oil the mower.

(1953 – 2016) British comedian, actress, singer & screenwriter
Men People Sex Situations

To make an enemy, do someone a favor.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

(1952 – ) comedian
Characteristics Situations

No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
People Situations

He took us forty years into the desert in order to bring us to the one place in the Middle East that has no oil!

(1898 – 1978) Israeli prime minister
History People Situations

Isn’t it strange – when you’re single, all you see is couple and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Relationships Situations

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

(1932 – 1997) British journalist
Animals Situations

Once the erosion of power begins, it has a momentum all its own.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics Situations

There are some situations from which one can only escape by acting like a devil or a lunatic.

Eric Arthur Blair (1903 – 50) English author & journalist
Situations

A rut is a grave with the ends knocked out.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Situations Things

How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

(1950 – ) comedian & television host
Games Situations