Subject: Situations (Page 20)

Isn’t it strange – when you’re single, all you see is couple and when you’re part of a couple, all you see are hookers.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Relationships Situations

I used to carry condoms, but I know I’ve got a better chance of getting a stomach ache than getting laid.

American comedian
Health Sex Situations

If you think there are no new frontiers, watch a boy ring the front doorbell on his first date.

(1918 - 2002) American author
Dating Relationships Situations

If I didn’t wake up, I’d still be sleeping.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Situations Sleep Yogi-isms

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped; I said, “No thanks, I’m not going that far.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Obama responded to the birthers by stating that he will show them his birth certificate when Sarah Palin shows him her high school diploma.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Situations

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Problems Situations

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Characteristics Situations

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Health Insults Situations

You don't even think about the fact that the game is impossible: you're 30 feet away, trying to throw a hot dog into a wine bottle.

comedian
Situations

The time it takes to rectify a situation is inversely proportional to the time it took to do the damage.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

Things are never as bad as they turn out to be.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

I want to ride in a cold air balloon; “This isn’t going anywhere!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Situations

Trying is the first step towards failure.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Failure Problems Situations

When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

If an ass goes a-traveling, he'll not come home a horse.

Characteristics Proverbs Situations

I must decline your invitation owing to a subsequent invitation.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Situations

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Accidents Failure Situations

With Photoshop so readily available, there’s no reason ever to have a party for a two-year-old.

(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer
Children Family Situations

A hard man is good to find.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Men Sex Situations

Life is something you do when you can’t get to sleep.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Life Situations Sleep