Subject: Situations (Page 20)

There’s only one thing I can’t do that white people can do, and that’s play pranks at international airports.

British-Asian comedian
People Self Situations

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

(1934 – ) English actor
Situations TV/Movie Quotes

I had indeed seen a bright, beautiful light and had followed it, but it turned out to be a Kmart tire sale.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Situations

I find that the further I go back, the better things were, whether they happened or not.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics Past Situations Truth

Don’t ever take a fence down until you know the reason why it was put up.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Situations

I don't think I'm good in bed; my husband never said anything, but after we made love he'd take a piece of chalk and outline my body.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Body Sex Situations

Spain's new Prime Minister … announced he will soon call back Spain's 1300 troops from Iraq… meaning the coalition of the willing is fast turning into a duet of the stubborn.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Government Places Politics Situations

As soon as the hospital made me put on one of those little gowns, I knew the end was in sight.


Communication Situations Wordplay

A married friend of mine does that thing where he never goes to bed angry… because every time he and his wife fight, she makes him sleep on the couch.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Anger Emotions Marriage Situations Sleep

That's all you're doing – swearing, in a box with wheels.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

Up the creek without a saddle.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Situations

If I can’t have it all, can I at least have some of yours?

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Life Situations

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.

Eating Food/Drink Proverbs Situations Sleep

[Extending his hand at a campaign stop] I'm Dan Quayle. Who are you?
Woman: I'm your Secret Service agent.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
Misspokements Situations

More dirt comes out of a hole than you can get back into it.

Murphy’s Laws Situations

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Intelligence Situations

If you put pasta shells to your ear, can you hear the soup?

(1975 – ) English physicist
Situations

It's hard to lead a cavalry charge if you think you look funny on a horse.

(1900 – 1965) diplomat & Democratic politician
Appearance Situations

It would be hard to be friends with Stephen Hawking because Stephen Hawking, you know, sounds like a robot and if you phoned him and he answered, you'd be like, 'Oh great, got the machine again' – and hang up.

Canadian comedian & actor
Communication Situations Speech

I saw a tree fall in the woods, and I didn’t hear it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

He took me to McDonald’s, backed his car through the drive-through window, so the cashier could be on my side.

comedian & radio personality
Frugal Money Situations