Subject: Situations (Page 33)

The other night I went out on a date with a guy who said he didn't like girls who were fragile or vulnerable… so I stabbed him.

comedian
Characteristics Dating Relationships Situations

Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Old Situations

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.

(1952 – ) comedian
Characteristics Situations

I tried to draw my shadow once, but I couldn't… my arm kept moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Sleep is the best of both worlds: you get to be alive and unconscious.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Situations Sleep

You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you don't burn your bridges until you come to them.

Murphy’s Laws Situations Time

If I didn’t wake up, I’d still be sleeping.

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager
Situations Sleep Yogi-isms

It’s a lot more fun to blame things than to fix them.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)
Situations

I know a couple who get on like a house on fire; they both feel trapped and are slowly suffocating to death.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

If your time ain't come, not even a doctor can kill you.

Death Doctors Health Life Situations

I asked him "Who said you could fool around with my wife" he said everybody.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

Up the creek without a saddle.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Situations

In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light.' And there was still nothing, but you could see it a bit better.

Beliefs God Situations

I wanna buy a bunch of hermit crabs and make them live together.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals Situations

Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Family Relationships Situations

First night, you get socks; second night, an eraser, a notebook – it’s a back to school holiday.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright
Beliefs Religion Situations

The less I behave like Whistler’s Mother the night before, the more I look like her the morning after.

(1903 – 1968) movie actress
Situations

It was a tough gig; they had to wake me up to fire me.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations Work

We are living in a world today where lemonade is made from artificial flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Situations Things

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Children People Situations Women

I was never so scared in my life… and I was in the war!

(1908 – 2005) English actor
Acting Situations