Subject: Situations (Page 49)

I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped; I said, “No thanks, I’m not going that far.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

There's a man in my neighborhood who is in the Guinness Book of Records for having forty three concussions; he lives very close actually, just a stone's throw away…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit amphetamines.


Situations TV/Movie Quotes

I bought a cheap piece of land… it was on someone else's property.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist
Life Music Situations

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
People Situations

When the blind leadeth the blind… get out of the way.

Proverbs Situations

I almost broke both my arms trying to hold open a revolving door for a woman.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I usually call the new guy and let him know where I like to sit on the bus, tell him ways he can stay out of my way, make sure he knows not to touch any of my stuff.

(1969 – ) Canadian ice hockey player & executive
Hockey Situations Sports

I was in a restaurant that had a sign that said 'Restrooms For Customers Only'… I thought, it must suck to work there.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Food/Drink Situations Work

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.

(1954 – ) American actress & comedian
Baseball Situations Sports

I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Children People Situations Women

He'd fall in a sewer and come up with a gold watch.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
People Situations

He slept more than any other president… Nero fiddled, but Coolidge only snored.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Government Situations Sleep

The cigarette smoke always drifts in the direction of the non-smoker regardless of the direction of the breeze.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Situations

No one has a finer command of language than the person who keeps his mouth shut.

(1882 – 1961) politician
Communication Language Situations

Whenever I hang out with a group of friends, I try to make sure we hang out clockwise… that way, if we're photographed, we are easy to identify.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I went to a hooker…  I dropped my pants… she dropped her price.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: air conditioning… problem solved.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Work

You are not being diplomatic just because you put please in front of “Shut the hell up.”

Characteristics Situations

I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets… and then it hit me.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things