Subject: Situations (Page 53)

There is no conceivable amount of money worth telling the world that you were beaten up by Liza Minnelli.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Money Situations

Either I’ve been missing something or nothing has been going on.

American author
Situations

The other night I went out on a date with a guy who said he didn't like girls who were fragile or vulnerable… so I stabbed him.

comedian
Characteristics Dating Relationships Situations

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet, so I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Without this great land of ours, we would all drown.

(1914 – ) American comic & actor
Situations

Do not blame God for having created the tiger, but thank Him for not having given it wings.

Proverbs Situations

Whatever happens, look as if it was intended.

Acting Entertainment Murphy’s Laws Situations

My love life is like a fairy tale – it's grim.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Emotions Love Sex Situations

Things are never as bad as they turn out to be.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Situations

People seldom know what they want until you give them what they ask for.

Situations

How could I confuse “I love you” with “May I take your order?

(1982 – ) American author
Communication Situations

I want to ride in a cold air balloon; “This isn’t going anywhere!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Situations

My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Situations Wives

East is East and West is West, but none of us is gonna meet Mark Twain.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Situations

The difference between being in a relationship and being in prison is that in prison they let you play softball on the weekends.

American stand-up comedian
Relationships Situations Sports

I was walking along the road the other day and on the pavement I saw a white baby ghost; however, come to think of it, it may have been a tissue.

(1964 – ) English comedian
Situations

My grandfather was actually a Holocaust survivor, and you can tell that it really affected him because to this day, he still will not walk into a gas chamber.

(1981 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Relationships Situations

Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Situations Time

Experience is what makes you pause briefly before going ahead and making the same mistake.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Mistakes Problems Situations Time