Subject: Things (Page 36)

My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it… so I’m going to move to New York.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

Reclimbing chair

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Malaprops Things

Mirror: A truthful reflector shunned by vampires, hypocrites and aging fashion models.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Things

The only thing God didn't do to Job was give him a computer.

(1907 – 1989) American writer
Beliefs Computers God Things

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for – looking up exes to see how fat they got?

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Communication Computers Things

I have two rare photographs… one is Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

The road to hell is paved with adverbs.

(1947 – ) novelist, screenwriter
Communication Language Reading/Writing Things

If the phone doesn’t ring, it’s me.

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & businessman
Emotions Things

After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Traffic increases to fill the road space available.

Autos Murphy’s Laws Things

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people “the cops.”

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Alcohol Autos Driving Food/Drink Things

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Activities Places Things Travel

I can’t drive an automatic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving Things

You might be a redneck if… you've ever cut your grass and found a car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Activities Autos People Rednecks

The main reason I don’t cheat on my girlfriend is so I can go for a shower without taking my phone, laptop and iPad with me.

British comedian
Computers Relationships Things

Percussive Maintenance: Striking a recalcitrant piece of electronic hardware in order to facilitate a successful reboot, and repeating as necessary.

Definitions Failure Problems Things

Byrne's Law: In any electrical circuit, appliances and wiring will burn out to protect fuses.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator
Failure Murphy’s Laws Things

Awards are like piles… sooner or later, every bum gets one.

(1946 – ) British actress, columnist & comedian
Success Things

I wish airplanes were more like elementary school with someone up front telling everyone to sit down and shut up.

Things

You're never too poor for good toilet paper.

comedian
Money Poverty Things

An artist is somebody who produces things that people don’t need to have.

(1928 – 1987) painter, printmaker & filmmaker
Entertainment Things