Subject: Time (Page 13)

Good punctuation means not to be late.

Malaprops Time

The difference between God and the historians consists above all in the fact that God cannot alter the past.

(1835 – 1902) English composer, author & satirist
Beliefs God History Time

My secret to staying young… having no sense of time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Age Time Young

The gap between the two cars is 0.9 of a second, which is less than one second.

(1923 – ) English motorsport commentator
Auto racing Misspokements Sports Time

The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent.

Murphy’s Laws Time Work

Most people still believe in a hard day’s work, but they also believe it should be spread out over the course of a week or two.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Time Work

My wife and I were happy for 20 years… then we met.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness Marriage Time Wives

When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the most inconvenient possible time.

Murphy’s Laws Problems Time

If a man smiles all the time he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Time Work

My ancestors didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet the boat.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
History People Things Time

Hope is the feeling you have that the feeling you have isn't permanent.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
Characteristics Time

I’m going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.

Misspokements Sports Time

Why are there no “during” pictures?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Things Time

You always think another time would have been ideal for you; the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
History Past Time

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.

History Murphy’s Laws People Wisdom

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Food/Drink Time

I was walking by a dry cleaner at 3 a.m., and it said “Sorry, we’re closed” … you don’t have to be sorry – it’s 3 a.m., and you’re a dry cleaner.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Time

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Situations Time

Sex: The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.

(1882 – 1942) American actor
Problems Sex Time

We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Activities Past People Time

I hated Geography… because it’s just like History… except without people and dates.

(1956 – ) American entertainer & comedian
Education History School Time