Subject: Time (Page 25)

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.

(1930 – 1978) American comedian

Worrying about the future is a thing of the past.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign

A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body – the wishbone.

(1874 – 1963) American poet

The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

I've been on a calendar, but never on time.

(1926 – 1962) actress, sex symbol

The length of a marriage is inversely proportional to the amount spent on the wedding.

Health is the thing that makes you feel that now is the best time of the year.

(1881 – 1960) American columnist

Spend sufficient time in confirming the need and the need will disappear.

I took a course in speed waiting… now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.


Whatever happened to the good old days when kids was scared to death of their parents?

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

The right word may be effective, but no word was ever as effective as a rightly timed pause.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

If I ever marry, it will be on a sudden impulse – as a man shoots himself.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)

Someone once told me that every minute a murder occurs, so I don’t want to waste your time, I know you want to go back to work.

(1899 – 1980) English filmmaker & producer

Retirement: The time of life when you stop lying about your age and start lying about the house.

You always think another time would have been ideal for you; the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

The larger the project or job, the less time there is to do it.

A stopped clock is correct twice a day, but a sundial can be used to stab someone, even at nighttime.

It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director