Subject: Work (Page 25)

Diplomat: A headwaiter who is allowed to sit down occasionally. 

(1921 – 2004) English actor & author

A consultant is someone who saves his client almost enough to pay his fee.

(1905 –1998) American author

If I’m making millions to put a ball through a hoop, you can’t ever piss me off.

(1975 – ) American comedian, actor & writer

Banker: A pawn broker with a manicure.

There may be said to be three sorts of lawyers, able, unable, and lamentable.

(1805 – 1864) English editor, novelist & sporting writer

The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist

Executive: An under-worked, over-paid person who is in over their head.

Professionals built the Titanic; amateurs built the ark.

He’s so lazy he wouldn’t work in a pie factory.

I've seldom seen a horny player walk into a bar and not let out exactly what he did for a living.

(1947 – ) professional baseball player

Most bosses never lift a finger at work, unless it’s to point out something you did wrong.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

My first job consisted of me answering a phone… but it wasn't for me.

British comedian

The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.

(1983 – ) American comedian

Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.

(1912 – 1977) German-born rocket engineer

Dinosaurs with Jobs

Actuary: Someone who cannot stand the excitement of chartered accountancy.

I am not the editor of a newspaper and shall always try to do right and be good so that God will not make me one.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy driving cabs and cutting hair.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

Give a civil servant a good cause and he’ll wreck it with cliches, bad punctuation, double negatives and convoluted apology.

(1928 – 1999) British politician & diarist