Subject: Work (Page 24)

1. You can't get anything without working for it.
2. The most you can accomplish by working is to break even.
3. You can only break even at absolute zero.

Money Murphy’s Laws Work

First rate mathematicians choose first rate people, but second rate mathematicians choose third rate people.

(1906 – 1998) French mathematician
Occupations Science/Weather Work

I want everyone to tell me the truth, even if it costs him his job.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Characteristics Honesty Truth Work

When I told my mom I wanted to grow up and be a comedian, she said you can’t do both.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Entertainment Occupations Work

I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Occupations Wordplay Work

I really like what mechanics wear… overall.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Clothing Work

You know it’s time to do the laundry when you dry off with a sneaker.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Housework Work

Most people still believe in a hard day’s work, but they also believe it should be spread out over the course of a week or two.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Time Work

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Individuals Work

There are two essential rules of management:
One: the customer is always right.
Two: they must be punished for their arrogance.

(1957 – ) cartoonist (Dilbert)
Work

‘Son, I don’t think you’re cut out to be a mime.’ ‘Was it something I said?’ asks the son. ‘Yes.’

(Daniel Barker) British comedian, voice-artist & actor
Communication Occupations Speech Work

Consultant: A jobless person who shows executives how to work.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Definitions Work

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous; when I was sixty-five, I still had pimples.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age Work

I yield to no one in my admiration for the office as a social center, but it’s no place actually to get any work done.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Activities Work

Anybody who has any doubt about the ingenuity or the resourcefulness of a plumber never got a bill from one.

(1894 – 1980) American labor organizer
Occupations Work

Taxpayer: One who doesn’t have to pass a civil service exam to work for the government.

Definitions Government Taxes Work

1. Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place.
2. Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet reached their level of incompetence.
3. If at first you don't succeed, try something else.

Murphy’s Laws People Work

[Critics] search for ages for the wrong word, which, to give them credit, they eventually find.

(1921 – 2004) English actor & author
Communication Occupations Work

By doing just a little every day, I can gradually let the task overwhelm me.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations Time Work

So the rule is, if you screw up just one too many job interviews, you become a stand-up comedian.

(1970 – ) American comedian & television game show host
Occupations Work

Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.

(1828 – 1910) Russian writer
Occupations Work