Author: Anonymous Page 11

She is so ugly… when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

“I have lost all my Hungarian sheet music,” said Tom listlessly.

Tom Swifties

Let’s split the baby with the bathwater.

Mixed metaphors

If sex doesn't scare the cat, you're not doing it right.

Sex

The whole ball of worms

Malaprops

A liberal’s generosity is only limited by your income.

Beliefs Government

Alphabet: A toy for children found in books, blocks, pictures, and some soup.

Communication Definitions Language

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.

Autos Marriage Things Wives

If you let the cat out of the bag, how can you let sleeping dogs lie?

Mixed metaphors

Doubles: Tennis game played by athletic couples who wish to burn a few calories while arguing.

Definitions Sports

Life: Coming into the world wit nothing, leaving with nothing and, in between, giving everything to the IRS.

Definitions Life Taxes

“My pencil is blunt,” said Tom pointlessly.

Tom Swifties

He is confused as a baby raccoon!

Expressions

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Situations Things

Egotist: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

Definitions

“All right, I will allow the prisoners to wear perfume,” the warden consented.

Tom Swifties

Sound Sleeper: Someone who snores.

Activities Definitions Sleep

“This fabric is not good enough to make a bolero,” said Tom unravellingly.

Tom Swifties

Apology: Politeness too late.

Definitions

We drove around and looked at some apartments, and then we looked at some condoms.

Malaprops

To avoid misunderstanding, I’ll stop speaking formal English and just use the binocular.

Communication Language Malaprops