Author: Anonymous Page 156

“It’s my maid’s night off,” said Tom helplessly.

Tom Swifties

“Pretend we were in the days before railways,” Tom coached.

Tom Swifties

Surfing the Infobahn [information superhighway]

Mixed metaphors

He is so fat… his shadow weighs 12 pounds.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Efficiency Expert: A man smart enough to tell you how to run your business and too smart to start his own.

Definitions

Tax Reform: Taking the taxes off things that have been taxed in the past and putting taxes on things that haven’t been taxed before.

Definitions Government Taxes

Ugly as a moose chewin ice

Appearance Expressions Ugly

The crust of the problem

Malaprops

The difference between light and hard is that you can sleep with a light on.

Situations Sleep

Home: The place where you can scratch any place you itch.

Definitions Places

Taxes: A funding method which allows people to test their powers of deduction.

Definitions Taxes

“I had an accident in the kitchen,” said Tom with panache.

Tom Swifties

Counsel: Advice with a price tag.

Definitions

Testosterone: Hormone which causes facial hair, muscularity, a deep voice, speeding tickets, the desire to watch professional wrestling, Arnold Shwarzenegger movies, war, fist fights, and the need to purchase cocktails for women with names like “Boom Boom. ”

Definitions Men

Middle Age: That period in life when your idea of getting ahead is staying even.

Age Definitions

Tennis: a racquet sport in which two players compete to see who has the shortest temper, the worst memory, the poorest eyesight, and the slowest watch.

Sports

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: never repeat yourself.

Miscellaneous

Abstinence is a good thing, but it should be practiced in moderation.

Sex

Isn’t it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune-tellers take economists seriously.

Beliefs

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

Time

Take a flying hike.

Mixed metaphors