Author George Carlin | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: George Carlin

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Girls Places Bad Jolly Live Santa Claus

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Animals Communication Language Disgruntled Pig

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication People Speech Egotists

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Men People Situations Women

Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Places Forest rangers Vacation

"No comment" is a comment.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication No comment

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Death Bathrooms Dinner parties

If a man smiles all the time he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Time Work Selling Smiling

If you can’t beat them, arrange  to have them beaten

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Conflict Fights

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Food/Drink Garnish wages Parsley

If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Appearance Homeless Naked Turtles

The older you get, the better you realize you were.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Age Characteristics Old Good

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Activities Drugs God People Acid

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Happiness Language People Sex Adultery Infants Infidelity

I think I am, therefore I am… I think.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Intelligence Life Existence Philosophy

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Communication Language Truth

Some people think of the glass as half full; some people think of the glass as half empty; I think of the glass as too big.

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Characteristics Glass half full Optimism Pessimism

If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Communication Language

Who’s cruel idea was it to put an “s” in the word “lisp”?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Ideas Intelligence Language Lisp

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

George Carlin

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Food/Drink Time Expiration date Sour cream

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

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