Author: Groucho Marx Page 8

If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much – just an occasional sun visor.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Clothing Men People Shopping Women

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
America Entertainment Government Military Music Places

When you’re in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. a best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, ‘Damn, that was fun.’

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Friends People

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago…I shot my broker.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Conflict Killing Money

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Death Things Time

If you want to see a comic strip, you should see me in the shower.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Self Wordplay

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Hollywood Marriage Places

It is not necessary to have relatives in Kansas City to be unhappy.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Family Insults Places Relationships

I have an agreement with the houseflies; the flies don’t practice law and I don’t walk on the ceiling.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Two thousand dollars for ice? I can get an Eskimo for two hundred dollars and make my own ice.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

I married your mother because I wanted children, imagine my disappointment when you came along.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
America Government People Places Politicians

I’m gonna put extra blankets, free, in all your rooms, and there’ll be no cover charge.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
TV/Movie Quotes

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage Relationships Wives

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals Divorce Marriage Money

He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you… he really is an idiot.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

His tongue was an unguided missile.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Communication Language

I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Money

I have nothing but confidence in you, and very little of that.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Characteristics Insults

I drink to make other people interesting.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Alcohol Food/Drink