Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 10

I came from a real tough neighborhood; I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places

I came from a real tough neighborhood; in the library the sign says “Shut the f**k up!”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places

I was the centerfold for Playgirl magazine… the staples covered everything!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body People Self

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow; he told me to wear a brown tie.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse; an antler got stuck in my throat.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places Problems Success World

I joined Gamblers Anonymous; they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities

My wife made me join a bridge club… I jump off next Tuesday.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Situations Wives

Blanche Genaro: Look at him, he’s such a beautiful boy! He’s got my eyes!
John Genaro: And he’s got my nose!
Monty: Yeah, and my sympathy.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

What lovely girls. How would you like a life of luxury and deceit?

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

My wife and I were happy for 20 years… then we met.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness Marriage Time Wives

And this is your grandson, huh? Oh, wonderful boy! Yeah, he’s a good boy. Now I know why tigers eat their young.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Insults TV/Movie Quotes

I told my doctor I think my wife has V.D.; he gave himself a shot of penicillin.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health Marriage Wives

My wife put a mirror over our bed; she says she likes to watch herself laugh.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Emotions Laughter Sex

Once on my birthday my ol’ man gave me a bat; the first day I played with it, it flew away.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Family Fathers

Thornton Melon: What’s your favorite subject?

Bubbles: Poetry.

Melon: Really? Well, maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I tell ya, my wife's a lousy cook… after dinner, I don't brush my teeth, I count them.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink Marriage Wives

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Eating Food/Drink Mothers Ugly

I was so poor… in my neighborhood, the rainbow was in black and white!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Money Places Poverty

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I’ll put it this way… I had it out.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Education School Science/Weather