Author: Steven Wright Page 8

I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Crime

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Intelligence Mind

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Cats

I took my headlights out and put strobe lights in; now when I drive at night it looks like I am the only one that is moving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Things

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Intelligence Mind

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication

She was a bilingual illiterate… she couldn't read in two different languages.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Reading/Writing

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

I lived in a house that ran on static electricity… if you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head; if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Science/Weather

The earth is bipolar.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Science/Weather

When I visit China I like to get Chinese food… ff course, over there they just call it food.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Places

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands; her name was “woman.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Women

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Body Definitions

If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

What do batteries run on?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Things

I stayed in a really old hotel last night; they sent me a wake-up letter.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Situations

I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don’t know how I got there.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Success