Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Secretary: Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.
Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Death Food/Drink Whiskey

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sam Bisbee in “You’re Telling Me!” To his assistant

Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Wives Neighbors

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Situations

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Sex Fish Water

Oh, they’ve broken my sacroiliac! Run to the nearest golf course and get a doctor!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Doctors Health TV/Movie Quotes As Professor Eustace McGargle in “Poppy”

I am free of all prejudices; I hate everyone equally.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics People Prejudices

I don’t know whether to eat from the coat or the plate!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes After Baby Albert splashed soup over him in “The Old Fashioned Way”

You kids are disgusting! Standing around here all day, reeking of popcorn and lollipops.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man”

It ain't a fit night out for man or beast.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Science/Weather

Sometimes I wish I wasn't W.C. Fields, but that's only when I can remember who I am.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Self Drunkenness W.C. Fields

Egbert: Was I in here last night and did I spend a twenty-dollar bill?
Bartender: Yeah.
Egbert: Oh boy, what a load that is off my mind. I thought I’d lost it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick”

I am an expert of electricity; my father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Science/Weather Electricity

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink After someone substituted pineapple juice for the contents of the flask Fields carried which he always claimed contained pineapple juice

Fields reloading!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink (Fields' retort from his dressing room after a director had shouted "Camera reloading!")

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Conflict Life World Danger

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Cost of living

Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Buttermilk

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Eating Food/Drink

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Friends People Christmas

Quotes and One Liners

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Author: W.C. Fields

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

Secretary: Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.
Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

I never drink water… fish f**k in it.

Oh, they’ve broken my sacroiliac! Run to the nearest golf course and get a doctor!

I am free of all prejudices; I hate everyone equally.

I don’t know whether to eat from the coat or the plate!

You kids are disgusting! Standing around here all day, reeking of popcorn and lollipops.

It ain't a fit night out for man or beast.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't W.C. Fields, but that's only when I can remember who I am.

Egbert: Was I in here last night and did I spend a twenty-dollar bill?
Bartender: Yeah.
Egbert: Oh boy, what a load that is off my mind. I thought I’d lost it.

I am an expert of electricity; my father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

Fields reloading!

The world is getting to be such a dangerous place, a man is lucky to get out of it alive.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.

I don’t believe in dining on an empty stomach.

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.