Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

A man’s got to believe in something… and I believe I’ll have another drink.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Beliefs Food/Drink Individuals

Oh, they’ve broken my sacroiliac! Run to the nearest golf course and get a doctor!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Doctors Health TV/Movie Quotes As Professor Eustace McGargle in “Poppy”

I am free of all prejudices; I hate everyone equally.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics People Prejudices

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Professor Quail in “International House”

[Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded] Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Women

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family

Harry Payne Bosterly: You’re drunk!
Harold: And you’re crazy. But I’ll be sober tomorrow and you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As Harold Bissonette in “It’s a Gift” Drunk

Agatha Sousé: Don’t you dare strike that child!
Sousé: She’s not gonna tell me I don’t love her.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick”

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage People Women

Grace Fielding: Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Bellows. I didn’t recognize you in this bad light.
S.B. Bellows: Ah, everybody seems to see me in a bad light.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As S.B. Bellows in “The Big Broadcast of 1938”

Waitress: And another thing, don’t be so free with your hands.
Fields: Listen honey. I was only trying to guess your weight.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

A plumber’s idea of Cleopatra.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Mae West

I’m looking for loopholes.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Beliefs Reading/Writing Religion Bible Loopholes Said when caught reading the Bible

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?
S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As S.B. Bellows in “The Big Broadcast of 1938”

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house… there’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Situations Butlers MIdgets

Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink After someone substituted pineapple juice for the contents of the flask Fields carried which he always claimed contained pineapple juice

Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Augustus Winterbottom in “Tillie and Gus” Betting Lady Godiva

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family Money Taxes

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Men People Relationships Women

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man”

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

Categories

Additional Categories

Oops...

Some Popular Authors

Author: W.C. Fields

Getting married is like buying a new horse, or going into a strange saloon.

A man’s got to believe in something… and I believe I’ll have another drink.

Oh, they’ve broken my sacroiliac! Run to the nearest golf course and get a doctor!

I am free of all prejudices; I hate everyone equally.

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

[Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded] Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

Harry Payne Bosterly: You’re drunk!
Harold: And you’re crazy. But I’ll be sober tomorrow and you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life.

Agatha Sousé: Don’t you dare strike that child!
Sousé: She’s not gonna tell me I don’t love her.

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

Grace Fielding: Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Bellows. I didn’t recognize you in this bad light.
S.B. Bellows: Ah, everybody seems to see me in a bad light.

Waitress: And another thing, don’t be so free with your hands.
Fields: Listen honey. I was only trying to guess your weight.

A plumber’s idea of Cleopatra.

I’m looking for loopholes.

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?
S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house… there’s nothing like having a midget for a butler.

Somebody’s been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse.

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.