Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 4

Barfly: Squawk Mulligan tells me you buried your wife several years ago.
Cuthbert J. Twillie: Ah, yes. I had to. She died.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Cuthbert J. Twillie in “My Little Chickadee”

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Men People Relationships Women

She’s all dressed up like a well-kept grave.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great McGonigle in “The Old Fashioned Way”

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Health Time Hospital Nurse

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics Intelligence Bull

Harry Payne Bosterly: You’re drunk!
Harold: And you’re crazy. But I’ll be sober tomorrow and you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As Harold Bissonette in “It’s a Gift” Drunk

I like my films to influence the audience; even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Entertainment Film

Secretary: Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.
Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Death Food/Drink Whiskey

I never drink water; that’s the stuff that rusts pipes.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Water

It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Health Hollywood Places Delirium tremens

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Life Problems

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Money Cost of living

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Blood

Sometimes I wish I wasn't W.C. Fields, but that's only when I can remember who I am.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Self Drunkenness W.C. Fields

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man”

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive – right, left, and in the middle.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Situations Business

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Hangovers

Egbert: Was I in here last night and did I spend a twenty-dollar bill?
Bartender: Yeah.
Egbert: Oh boy, what a load that is off my mind. I thought I’d lost it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick”

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family Situations

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Reputation Water

I never drink water; I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Characteristics Habits Water

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 4

Barfly: Squawk Mulligan tells me you buried your wife several years ago.
Cuthbert J. Twillie: Ah, yes. I had to. She died.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.

She’s all dressed up like a well-kept grave.

After two days in hospital I took a turn for the nurse.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Harry Payne Bosterly: You’re drunk!
Harold: And you’re crazy. But I’ll be sober tomorrow and you’ll be crazy for the rest of your life.

I like my films to influence the audience; even if it means tripping their aged grandparents with a cane when they get home.

Secretary: Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.
Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

I never drink water; that’s the stuff that rusts pipes.

It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't W.C. Fields, but that's only when I can remember who I am.

Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.

Business is an establishment that gives you the legal, even though unethical, right to screw the naive – right, left, and in the middle.

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

Egbert: Was I in here last night and did I spend a twenty-dollar bill?
Bartender: Yeah.
Egbert: Oh boy, what a load that is off my mind. I thought I’d lost it.

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

I never drink water; I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.