Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 4

Secretary: It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law.
Field’s reply: Yes, it is, very hard… it’s almost impossible.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The soup sounds good.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As the boarding house guests are eating from “The Old Fashioned Way”

I only drink to steady my nerves… sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Nerves

Meet me down in the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As S.B. Bellows in “The Big Broadcast of 1938”

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Intelligence People Wisdom Betting Horse sense

Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Augustus Winterbottom in “Tillie and Gus” Betting Lady Godiva

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Age Health Heart Worry

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Cooking Food/Drink Wine

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Blood

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Animals Men People Situations Time Bull Tail

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

America Places Closed Philadelphia

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage Wives

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Situations

I think of the church often; not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Beliefs Religion Church

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics Intelligence Bull

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Hollywood Places

He is a servant of humanity… who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Doctors Health Insults About a detested doctor

I never drink water; I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Characteristics Habits Water

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink

To the question: Do married people live longer?
Fields responded: No, it just seems longer.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Life Marriage Time

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 4

Secretary: It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law.
Field’s reply: Yes, it is, very hard… it’s almost impossible.

The soup sounds good.

I only drink to steady my nerves… sometimes I’m so steady I don’t move for months.

Meet me down in the bar! We’ll drink breakfast together.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

Lady Godiva put everything she had on a horse.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there’s nothing exactly like it.

I think of the church often; not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

Hollywood is the gold cap on a tooth that should have been pulled out years ago.

He is a servant of humanity… who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees.

I never drink water; I'm afraid it will become habit-forming.

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

To the question: Do married people live longer?
Fields responded: No, it just seems longer.