Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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There is an obesity epidemic; one out of every three Americans… weighs as much as the other two.
(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Esther, warn me before you come in so I have a chance to cover all of the mirrors!.
(1922 – 1991) American comedian
As Fred Sanford in “Sanford and Son”
He is so fat… when he steps on a scale, it reads "one at a time, please."
There has ceased to be a difference between my awake clothes and my asleep clothes.
(1979 – ) American actress, comedian & writer
Englishwomen's shoes look as if they had been made by someone who had often heard shoes described, but had never seen any.
(1910 – 1997) American writer
Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
The last thing you want to do is shoot 80 wearing tartan trousers.
English professional golfer
So short he has to stand on a box to kick a duck in the ass.
Maternity sweater, $52. Comes in unisex sizes.
I'm in terrible shape… I need a nap after I fart.
(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
I would give my left nut for a really nice guitar… I don't actually play the guitar, but I have three testicles.
(1981 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
The meal is not over when I'm full – the meal is over when I hate myself.
Louis Szekely (1967 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & director
Never trust a man with short legs… his brain's too near his bottom.
(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
A bag of tattooed bones in a sequined slingshot.
Richard Blackwell (1922 – 2008) fashion critic, journalist, & designer
Not a gentleman… dresses too well.
(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
On Anthony Eden
Nothing wise was ever printed upon an apron.
(1973 – ) American comedian
If your body is 90 per cent water why have you got to drink water all the time? Why can’t you just have some crisps?
(1975 – ) English comedian, actor & writer
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called ‘the flu.’
(1970 – ) American actor, producer & stand up comedian
I really don’t think I need buns of steel; I’d be happy with buns of cinnamon.
(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host
Buns of steel
He is so fat… his high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
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