Subject: Appearance

I lent a friend of mine $10,000 for plastic surgery and now I don’t know what he looks like.

(1956 – ) American comedian

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.

novelist, screenwriter & businessman

He's the only man able to walk under a bed without hitting his head.

(1897 – 1972) broadcast journalist & gossip columnist

Girdle: The difference between fact and figure.

I went to play golf and tried to shoot my age, but I shot my weight instead.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

She’s like an apple turnover that got crushed in a grocery bag on a hot day.

(1947 – ) American author, teacher & social critic

My body is a temple; unfortunately, my diet is ISIS.

American comedian

I get all my hair products at PetCo.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

He should know better than that. He knows I only drink scotch.

Canadian professional hockey goalie

She cain’t help bein’ ugly, but she coulda stayed at home!

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

You know you’re getting old when you buy a sexy sheer nightgown and don’t know anyone who can see through it.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

All women tennis players should go on their knees in thankfulness to Suzanne Lenglen for delivering them from the tyranny of corsets.

American professional tennis player

I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims who have to be identified by their dental records. If they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

(1957 – ) is an English comedian, writer & actor

I ain’t afraid to die fat… that’s my pallbearers’ worry.


Newman: I’m a little offended, Jerry.

Jerry: You’re not a little anything, Newman.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Went to the beach today; I could feel the women just dressing me with their eyes.

television writer, producer & director

She is so fat… when she sits around the house, she sits around the house.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

The only parts left of my original body are my elbows.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
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