Subject: Appearance

I’m not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I’m not dumb… and I also know that I’m not blonde.

(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & actress

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight; when a man tries something from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

You can put lipstick and earrings on a hog and call it Monique, but it's still a pig.

(1933 – 2006) politician

Dorothy, was Sophia naked just now or does her dress really need ironing?

1922) American actress, comedian & television personality

Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of "rich" usually cancels out the nice of "bald.”

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

The sloppier the rebel uniform, the more likely the overthrow of the existing government.

Girdle: Accessory after the fat.

He was young – He was fair – But the Injuns – Raised his hair

He's the only man able to walk under a bed without hitting his head.

(1897 – 1972) broadcast journalist & gossip columnist

You know your girlfriend is getting fat when she can fit into your wife's clothes.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian

[to Sam] … You’re almost as good looking as Diane says you think you are.

(1923 – ) British actress, dancer, pianist & singer

I got the classic Italian male body; I got the ass of a 270-pound man and the chest of a small Romanian gymnast.

(1953 – ) American comedian & writer

He now looks like a Barbie doll that has been whittled at by a malicious brother.

(1943 – ) English opera critic, author & journalist

She has a four-pocket backend.

He had better get married soon, because he's getting uglier every day!

Canadian hockey player

The Russians love Brooke Shields because her eyebrows remind them of Leonid Brezhnev.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

There are two times in a woman’s life when clothes are important: when she is young and when she is old.

writer

His favorite exercise is climbing tall people.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Thirty ways to shape up for summer — number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three… What was I talking about? … I’m so hungry right now.

(1970 – ) American stand-up comedian & voice actor

I buy a dress because I need change for gum.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

Elizabeth Taylor is wearing Orson Welles designer jeans.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
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