Subject: Education » School

Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything one learned in school.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist

College: A fountain of knowledge where students gather to drink.

You never catch on until after the test.

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college, won the case, and got my tuition back.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian

Graduate School: The place where a young scholar goes off his Dad’s payroll – and on to his wife’s.

The hardest thing to do at a community college is cheat on a test because the only people you can cheat off of also go to a community college.

American stand-up comedian

The total attention paid to an instructor is a constant regardless of the size of the class.

Son, looks to me like you’re spending too much time on one subject.

college basketball coach

A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered only during the following semester.

I was thrown out of NYU my freshman year for cheating on my metaphysics final; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I quit school in the sixth grade because of pneumonia; not because I had it, but because I couldn’t spell it.

(1919 – 1990) American boxing champion

Before he died my father told me he never really walked to school without any shoes.

(1966 – 2011) American stand-up comedian

When I was in college, we did mushrooms and acid… and did I mention acid?

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

Graduate school: The place where a young scholar goes off their parents’ payroll – and on to their spouse’s.

A lot of fellows nowadays have a B.A., M.D., or Ph.D. – unfortunately, they don’t have a J.O.B.

(1928 – ) American R&B and rock & roll singer-songwriter

If school had started at 4:00 in the afternoon, I'd be a college graduate today.

(1949 – ) American boxing champion

I have never been jealous; not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Describing her first day back in grade school after a long absence, a teacher said, it was like trying to hold 35 corks under water at the same time.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

I stopped telling people I didn't attend college when it suddenly dawned on me that no one was particularly surprised.

(1932 – ) American political satirist & comedian

Graduation speeches were invented largely in the belief that college students should never be released into the world until they have been properly sedated.

(1948 – ) American cartoonist (Doonesbury)

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