Subject: Situations (Page 2)

There was a big Hollywood producer in the crowd the other night; one thing led to another, and before you know it – he was gone.

comedian
Situations

All of us have moments in our lives that test our courage; Taking children into a house with white carpet is one of them.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family Situations

Some people talk in their sleep; lecturers talk while other people sleep.

(1913 – 1960) French-Algerian author, philosopher & journalist
Communication Situations Sleep Speech

I usually call the new guy and let him know where I like to sit on the bus, tell him ways he can stay out of my way, make sure he knows not to touch any of my stuff.

(1969 – ) Canadian ice hockey player & executive
Hockey Situations Sports

Stupidity got us into this mess, and stupidity will get us out.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Situations Stupidity TV/Movie Quotes

When I give a lecture, I accept that people look at their watches, but what I do not tolerate is when they look at it and raise it to their ear to find out if it stopped.

(1899 – 1974) French screenwriter, teacher & journalist
Communication Situations Speech Time

Every time a baseball player grabs his crotch, it makes him spit.

(1954 – ) American actress & comedian
Baseball Situations Sports

She raped him in a blanket.

Malaprops Situations

There are some situations from which one can only escape by acting like a devil or a lunatic.

Eric Arthur Blair (1903 – 50) English author & journalist
Situations

The great mass of men lead lives of quiet domestication.

David Gerrold (1944 – ) science fiction author
Life People Situations

How do you know if it's time to wash the dishes and clean your house?… look inside your pants and if you find a penis in there, it's not time.

(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian
Housework Men People Situations

Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage People Situations

I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?

(1969 – ) American actress, comedian, producer & writer
Sex Situations

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it’s very busy, when they have one.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Situations

I met this cowboy with a brown paper hat, paper waistcoat and paper trousers… he was wanted for rustling.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Appearance Clothing Situations

The saying “Getting there is half the fun” became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.


Activities Situations Travel

A few cobras in your home will soon clear it of rats and mice… of course, you will still have the cobras.

(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic
Animals Situations

Even a spotted pig looks black at night.

Expressions Situations

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad; the good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
People Situations Sleep

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics Situations Work

Having a baby is like trying to push a grand piano through a transom.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit
Family Situations