Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Activities
(Page 7)
I'm not embarrassed going to a drug store anymore to buy a condom; although, the woman behind the counter said, 'Save your money; buy a lottery ticket.'
Larry 'Bubbles' Brown
(1955 – ) American stand-up comedian
Shopping
Situations
Condoms
Lottery
There’s no such thing as addiction, there’s only things that you enjoy doing more than life.
Doug Stanhope
(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities
Drugs
Addiction
I ain't in no mood to play
120 questions.
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Activities
Malaprops
20 questions
There are plenty of good five cent cigars in the country… the trouble is they cost a quarter.
Franklin Adams
(1881 – 1960) American columnist
Activities
Money
Cigars
Smoking
In Swan Lake, I was the lifeguard.
Rita Rudner
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities
Entertainment
Ballet
On her career as a dancer
We are constantly being surprised that people did things well before we were born.
Robert Benchley
(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Activities
Past
People
Time
Sometimes in the middle of the night, I think of something that's funny, then I go get a pen and I write it down… or if the pen's too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of ain't funny.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Emotions
Situations
Sleep
Humor
I find apologizing for not having cleaned is easier than cleaning.
Sarah Millican
(1975 – ) English comedian
Housework
Cleaning
We have only one person to blame, and that’s each other.
Barry Beck
professional hockey player
Activities
Hockey
Misspokements
After an embarrassing loss
It’s easy to tell when you’ve got a bargain – it doesn’t fit.
Adam’s Corollary to Eve’s Discovery
Activities
Clothing
Murphy’s Laws
Shopping
Bargains
I go running when I have to – like when the ice cream truck is going 60, or I need a lift to the bakery.
Wendy Liebman
(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Exercise
Food/Drink
Ice cream
Running
There is no sunrise so beautiful that it is worth waking me up to see it.
Mindy Kaling
(1979 – ) American actress, comedian & writer
Activities
Sleep
Fishing: A venerable contest in which modern man pits his intelligence and technology against the native wit of primitive aquatic vertebrates, and generally finishes second.
Anonymous
Activities
Definitions
Fishing
It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people: the good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Characteristics
Situations
Sleep
Bad
Good
I can’t drive an automatic.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos
Driving
Things
Automatic
I also smoke a lot of pot… occasionally… every day.
Brian Posehn
(1966 – ) American actor, musician & comedian
Activities
Drugs
Pot
So little time and so little to do.
Oscar Levant
(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Activities
Time
I used to dread getting older because I thought I would not be able to do all the things I wanted to do, but now that I am older I find that I don't want to do them.
Nancy Astor
(1879 – 1964) British politician
Activities
Age
Old
Jim: Yeah, I did some drugs, though probably not as many as you think. How many drugs do you think I did?Elaine Nardo: A lot.Jim: Wow! Right on the nose!
Christopher Lloyd
(1938 – ) American actor
Activities
Drugs
TV/Movie Quotes
As Jim Ignatowski in “Taxi”
It's pretty much a bunch of people who don't live in a trailer park, yet like to vacation there.
Andi Smith
comedian
Activities
People
Campgrounds
My kitchen floor is sticky, and I had to do something about it.. so finally I went out and bought some slippers.
Sarah Silverman
(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Activities
Housework
Page 7 of 41
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