Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Activities
(Page 7)
When Mel told his Jewish mother he was marrying an Italian girl, she said: ‘Bring her over; I’ll be in the kitchen—with my head in the oven.‘
Anne Bancroft
(1931 – 2005) American actor
Family
Mothers
People
Travel
Italians
Jews
Referring to husband Mel Brooks
Life is something you do when you can’t get to sleep.
Fran Lebowitz
(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Life
Situations
Sleep
I make no secret of the fact that I would rather lie on a sofa than sweep beneath it.
Shirley Conran
(1932 – ) British novelist & journalist
Activities
Housework
We played strip chess. She had me down to my shorts and I fainted from tension.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Activities
TV/Movie Quotes
As Victor Skakapopulis in “What’ s New Pussycat?”
Chess
My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities
Doctors
Exercise
Health
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on; I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance
Clothing
Situations
Sleep
Blankets
My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Patrick Monahan
(1969 – ) American singer-songwriter & musician
People
Places
Travel
Customs
Iran
Ireland
I do try to fight ignorance and stereotypes and racism with karate – like the Asians do.
Myq Kaplan
(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Intelligence
Karate
Racism
Stereotypes
“Belinda Carlisle sings, ‘We dream the same dream' … but I can’t believe that every night Belinda Carlisle has a wet dream about Wilma Flintstone.
David Baddiel
(1964 – ) British comedian, novelist & television presenter
Activities
Self
Sleep
Dreams
No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
American proverb
Conflict
Housework
Husbands
Marriage
Proverbs
Shot
At the gym; I’ve given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.
Dov Davidoff
American comedian & actor
Activities
Gym
I like parades without missiles in them; I'll take
Bullwinkle
to a tank any day.
Yakov Smirnoff
(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Activities
America vs. Russia
Parades
The first time you go out after your wife’s birthday, you will see the gift you gave her marked down fifty percent.
Corollary: If she’s with you, she’ll assume you chose it because it was cheap.
Murphy's Second Law for Husbands
Husbands
Money
Murphy’s Laws
Shopping
Wives
Birthdays
Gifts
I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Richard Lewis
(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities
Sleep
Dreams
Nightmares
There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.
Richard Jeni
(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities
Travel
Airplanes
Now what I don't get are these people who, instead of buying a four-pack or an eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy the single individual roll; are you trying to quit?
Brian Kiley
comedian
Shopping
Situations
Toilet paper
The driver behind you wants to go five miles per hour faster.
Freeway Axiom
Autos
Driving
Murphy’s Laws
Things
When you’re high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it’s not worth the fucking effort.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Activities
Drugs
When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.
Airplane Law
Activities
Murphy’s Laws
Things
Time
Travel
Airplanes
If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive your order. If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before your angry letter reaches its destination.
Savignano's Mail-Order Law
Communication
Murphy’s Laws
Reading/Writing
Shopping
Complaints
I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Chainsaws
Juggling
Page 7 of 41
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