Subject: Activities (Page 7)

When Mel told his Jewish mother he was marrying an Italian girl, she said: ‘Bring her over; I’ll be in the kitchen—with my head in the oven.‘

(1931 – 2005) American actor
Family Mothers People Travel

Life is something you do when you can’t get to sleep.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Life Situations Sleep

I make no secret of the fact that I would rather lie on a sofa than sweep beneath it.

(1932 – ) British novelist & journalist
Activities Housework

We played strip chess. She had me down to my shorts and I fainted from tension.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Activities TV/Movie Quotes

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Doctors Exercise Health

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on; I’m going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Clothing Situations Sleep

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.

(1969 – ) American singer-songwriter & musician
People Places Travel

I do try to fight ignorance and stereotypes and racism with karate – like the Asians do.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian
Activities Intelligence

“Belinda Carlisle sings, ‘We dream the same dream' … but I can’t believe that every night Belinda Carlisle has a wet dream about Wilma Flintstone.

(1964 – ) British comedian, novelist & television presenter
Activities Self Sleep

No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.

Conflict Housework Husbands Marriage Proverbs

At the gym; I’ve given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

American comedian & actor
Activities

I like parades without missiles in them; I'll take Bullwinkle to a tank any day.

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Activities

The first time you go out after your wife’s birthday, you will see the gift you gave her marked down fifty percent.
Corollary: If she’s with you, she’ll assume you chose it because it was cheap.

Husbands Money Murphy’s Laws Shopping Wives

I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night’s sleep tonight.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Sleep

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re anxious to meet people who do.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Travel

Now what I don't get are these people who, instead of buying a four-pack or an eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy the single individual roll; are you trying to quit?

comedian
Shopping Situations

The driver behind you wants to go five miles per hour faster.

Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Things

When you’re high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well. You just realize that it’s not worth the fucking effort.

(1961 – 1994) comedian
Activities Drugs

When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Things Time Travel

If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive your order. If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before your angry letter reaches its destination.

Communication Murphy’s Laws Reading/Writing Shopping

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities