Subject: Animals (Page 4)

Turkeys are peacocks that have really let themselves go.

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian
Animals

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Health

I never said all actors are cattle; what I said was all actors should be treated like cattle.

(1899 – 1980) English filmmaker & producer
Animals People

How are you supposed to be able to tell when cat food has gone bad?

(1964 – ) American
Animals Cats

You might be a redneck if… you can get dog hair from out of your belly button.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals Dogs People Rednecks

He that lies down with dogs, shall rise up with fleas.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Animals Dogs Relationships

I love defenseless animals… especially in good gravy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Food/Drink

I got a new dog… he’s a paranoid retriever; he brings back everything because he’s not sure what I threw him.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Dogs Wordplay

Geographically, Ireland is a medium-sized rural island that is slowly but steadily being consumed by sheep.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals Places

Caterpillar: An upholstered worm.

Animals Definitions

Bugs: Small living things that small living boys throw on small living girls.

Animals Definitions

The measure of a bird dog's intelligence can be determined by the length of time it takes to resign yourself to his way of thinking.

Animals Dogs Intelligence Murphy’s Laws

A bee is never as busy as it seems; it’s just that it can’t buzz any slower.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Animals

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals Situations

The dog has seldom been successful in pulling Man up to its level of sagacity, but Man has frequently dragged the dog down to his.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Animals Dogs

The whale is endangered, while the ant continues to do just fine.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
Animals

Heaven goes by favor; for if it went by merit, you would stay out and your dog would go in.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Animals Beliefs Characteristics Dogs

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Work

Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.


Animals Cats

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

comedian
Animals

I got wasted last night, and I hit an animal with my car… in the lobby of Caesar's Palace.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, director & author
Animals Entertainment Places