Subject: Appearance (Page 21)

Never try to guess your wife's size. Just buy her anything marked ‘petite’ and hold on to the receipt.

Appearance Body Clothing Murphy’s Laws Shopping

1. Fat expands to fill any apparel worn.
2. A fat person walks in the middle of the hall.

Appearance Body Fat Murphy’s Laws

He is so fat… his shadow weighs 12 pounds.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Adult: One who has ceased to grow vertically, but not horizontally.

writer
Age Appearance Body People

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Appearance Characteristics Children Intelligence Religion Wives

Elizabeth Taylor looks like two small boys fighting underneath a thick blanket.

Richard Blackwell (1922 – 2008) fashion critic, journalist, & designer
Appearance Insults

I just lost 10 pounds on a new diet called ‘the flu.’

(1970 – ) American actor, producer & stand up comedian
Appearance Body Health

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it’s open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Appearance Clothing Golf People Religion Sports

Frasier: Niles, I would shave my head for you.
Niles: A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing year.

(1959 – ) American actor
Appearance Hair TV/Movie Quotes

He was so ugly, the last time I saw him he was the top of a totem pole in Seattle.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Appearance Insults

You might be a redneck if… you wear someone else's work shirt.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance Clothing People Rednecks

I think one reason they cal them Relaxed Fit jeans is that Ass the Size of Texas jeans would not sell very well.

Appearance Clothing

You might be a redneck if… you need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance Body People Rednecks

Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Appearance Fat TV/Movie Quotes

He is so fat… people jump over him rather than go around.

Appearance Exaggerations Fat

Yes, darling, let me cover your face with kisses, on second thought, just let me cover your face.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance Insults

She is so fat… she laid on the beach and people tried to push her back into the ocean.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

Joan Rivers’s face hasn’t just had a lift, it’s taken the elevator all the way to the top floor without stopping.

(1939 – ) Australian author, critic, broadcaster, poet & memoirist
Appearance Insults

The coffee has burned my face! I'm going to be distorted!

Appearance Malaprops

The chief excitement in a woman's life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist
Appearance Body Fat People Women

Terry Downes' face looked as if he had slept on it.

English broadcaster, journalist & author
Appearance Boxing Sports