Subject: Appearance (Page 40)

With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes; with male menopause you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Fat Men People Women

She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Hair Ugly

A crown is merely a hat that lets the rain in.

(1712 – 1786) King of Prussia
Appearance Clothing

I lent my wife a thousand pounds to have plastic surgery; now I can’t get the money back and I don’t know who to look for.

(1948 – ) British stand-up comedian
Appearance

Maternity sweater, $52. Comes in unisex sizes.

Classifieds Clothing

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Appearance Clothing Marriage

I reckoned if my boobs got any lower I would have to buy them their own pair of shoes.

(1959 – ) British novelist
Activities Appearance Body

The reason women don’t play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance Clothing Football Sports

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

(1925 – 2012) author, playwright, essayist & screenwriter
Appearance People

She gave me a smile I could feel in my hip pocket.

(1888 – 1959) detective novelist & screenwriter
Appearance Body

Fat is lost last where it is wanted the least. Corollary 1: Fat is lost first from areas of high desirability.
Corollary 2: With time fat flows from areas of high to low desirability.

Appearance Body Fat Murphy’s Laws

I look like I was sent for and couldn’t go.

Appearance

He looks like a dwarf who’s been dipped in a bucket of pubic hair.

George Alan O'Dowd (1961 – ) British singer-songwriter
Appearance Insults

I always take my wife morning tea in my pajamas, but is she grateful?… no, she says she'd rather have it in a cup.

(1926 – 1984) English comedian
Characteristics Clothing

[My husband] can't stand to see trash & garbage lying around the house… he can't stand the competition.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Appearance People Self

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Age Appearance Body

A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.


Appearance Clothing

Penis: The male organ used to write one’s name in snow.

Body Definitions Men

You might be a redneck if… you've ever worn a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance Clothing People Rednecks

Sarong: A simple garment carrying the implicit promise that it will not long stay in place.

Appearance Clothing Definitions

Outside every thin woman is a fat man trying to get in.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Appearance Body Fat Men People Sex Women