Subject: Health

Wouldn’t it be great if you could only get AIDS by giving money to television preachers?

(1952 – ) comedian
Health Money

As she lay there dozing next to me, one voice inside my head kept saying, "Relax… you are not the first doctor to sleep with one of his patients, " but another kept reminding me, "Howard, you are a veterinarian."

Animals Doctors Health

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Health

My wife has to be the worst cook; her specialty is indigestion.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink Health Wives

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four, unless there were three other people.

(1915 – 1985) stage & film actor & director
Doctors Eating Food/Drink

If you have s stomach ache, in France you get a suppository, in Germany a health spa, in the United States they cut your stomach open and in Britain they put you on a waiting list.

(1955 – ) English politician
Health Places

People who say you're just as old as you feel are all wrong, fortunately.

(1925 – ) columnist & journalist
Age Health People

If I were a medical man, I should prescribe a holiday to any patient who considered his work important.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
Doctors Health Work

Why is it that men who can go through severe accidents, air raids, and any other major crisis always seem to think that they are at death's door when they have a simple head cold?"

(1898 – 1992) American actress
Health Men People

I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it; I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Health Things

A rule of thumb in the matter of medical advice is to take everything any doctor says with a grain of aspirin.


Doctors Health Wordplay

You never have the right number of pills left on the last day of a prescription.

Health Murphy’s Laws Time

An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Health Sex

Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents’ shortcomings.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Family Health Parents

Erectile Dysfunction Probed with Engineering Tool

Headlines Health

I think we should change the name of Type 1 Diabetes and Type 2 Diabetes to ‘Not Your Fault Diabetes’ and ‘Mostly Your Fault Diabetes.’

American comedian
Health

I’m even in denial about the fact that I’m in therapy; I’ve just convinced myself there’s a friend that I see once a week, and then I lend her $90, and she never pays me back.

(1964 – ) Canadian stand-up comedian, actress & television host
Health Situations

In the middle of an asthma attack she got an obscene phone call; the guy said, “Did I call you or did you call me?”

comedian
Health Sex

The most beautiful words in the English language are not “I love you,” but … “benign.”

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Health Speech

A study shows breast implants can cause nausea and dizziness… from all the free drinks.

(1962 – ) American actor and talk show host
Alcohol Appearance Health

I recently became a Christian Scientist; it was the only health plan I could afford.

American actress, comedian, writer & musician
Health