Subject: Health (Page 19)

The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job… especially if you’ve got hay fever

(1964 – ) English comedian
Health Occupations Work

Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

(1860 – 1904) Russian short-story writer, playwright & physician
Doctors Government Health Law Lawyers

The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war.

Health Military Murphy’s Laws

Columnist Gets Urologist In Trouble With His Peers

Doctors Headlines

It’s stressful being a hypochondriac. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

I got food poisoning today… I don’t know when I’ll use it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Health

Some hospitals are so crowded that the only way you can get in is by accident.


Health Wordplay

I'm taking Lamaze classes; I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health

I thought my doctor said I was heading for a rave.

Doctors Epitaphs

The operation was a complete success, but the patient died of something else.

Death Doctors Health

My father is schizophrenic, but he’s good people.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Health

One time I was forced to go to the doctors because of a sports accident… herpes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Health Sports

He (Gaylord Perry) should be in the Hall of Fame with a tube of KY jelly attached to his plaque.

(1925 – 2005) American baseball player & manager
Baseball Health Sports

I feel like a midget with muddy feet had been walking over my tongue all night.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Health

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age Health Old Places

The most beautiful words in the English language are not “I love you,” but … “benign.”

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Health Speech

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast; turned out to be a trick knee.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Body Health Relationships

I’m constipated, couldn’t give a shit.

American comedian
Health

Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m a schizophrenic, and so am I.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Health

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Clothing Family Health

Yankin’ out the tonsils and the adenoods.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Health Malaprops