Subject: Health (Page 3)

My wife has to be the worst cook; her specialty is indigestion.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink Health Wives

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Dating Health Sex

[Chickenpox] is the only disease that says,‘You know what, we did our thing once and now I’m out of here forever, peace.’

(1983 – ) American comedian & actor
Health

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Children Family Health Men Women

When a doctor makes a mistake, it's best to bury the subject.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Doctors Health Mistakes

Doctor: Someone who practices medicine but charges as if he knew.

Definitions Doctors Health

It's better to be rich and healthy than poor and sick.

Health Money Murphy’s Laws Wealth

Be careful about reading health books for you may die of a misprint.

(1747 – 1803) German Jewish physician & lecturer on philosophy
Books Communication Death Health Reading/Writing

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Health Insults Situations

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I’m someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Doctors Health

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Health Memory People

I don't need you to remind me of my age; I have a bladder to do that for me.

(1957 – ) English actor, writer, journalist, comedian & film director
Age Health Old

Orthodox: Bone doctors.

Definitions Doctors

London: A place you go to get bronchitis.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Definitions Health Places

The less we know about a disease, the more medicines are available to treat it.

Health Murphy’s Laws

It's no longer a question of staying healthy; it's a question of finding a sickness you like.

(1934 – ) comedian
Health

The closest thing I have to a nutritionist is the Carlsberg Beer Company.

(1976 – ) Irish actor
Beer Eating Food/Drink Health

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS; I didn’t know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back "I know."

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Health

In the face of such overwhelming statistical possibilities, hypochondria has always seemed to me to be the only rational position to take on life.

(1953 – 2001) British journalist & broadcaster
Health

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age Health Old Science/Weather

I got the bill for my surgery; now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for.

(1925 – 2010) American humorist & writer
Doctors Health