Subject: Health (Page 6)

If you have one of these symptoms, please call this 800 number – Death, Heartburn, …

Classifieds Health

Hypochondriac: One who enjoys poor health, then complains of feeling better.

Definitions Health

I'm the boy in the bubble without the bubble.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Health

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic
Health People Self Work

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Health

Alzheimer's Center Prepares For An Affair To Remember

Headlines Health

I’m not feeling very well – I need a doctor immediately; ring the nearest golf course.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Doctors Golf Health Sports

The only sport where you can spend an arm and a leg to break an arm and a leg. 

(1945 – ) American humorist (co-founder of National Lampoon)
Activities Health Sports

Drug Kingpin Amado Fuentes died from 9 hours of liposuction and plastic surgery – or, as it's commonly known here in Beverly Hills, natural causes.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Death Health Places

I saw one of those giant Hummer cars with handicapped tags on it; I thought, 'Wow, I never realized that being an a**hole was technically a handicap.'

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Autos Health Things

My problem, uh, is behind me now.

(1953 – ) American baseball player
Health

I see cards that say ‘Get Well Soon’ … F**k that, get well now!

(1973 – ) American comedian
Communication Health

Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.

(1875 – 1965) German/French theologian, organist, philosopher, physician & medical missionary
Emotions Happiness Health Intelligence Memory

When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Age Health Old Places

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell… except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.


Health

Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Dating Health Sex

The less we know about a disease, the more medicines are available to treat it.

Health Murphy’s Laws

Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles.

Health Murphy’s Laws People

After looking at the bill for my operation, I understand why doctors wear masks in the operating room.

Doctors Health

When I got to the hospice I was under the impression it would be a two- or three-week stay, but here I still am, six weeks later, and I've gotten so well Medicare won't pay for me anymore.

(1925 – 2007) humorist & columnist
Government Health Money

Virus: A Latin medical term meaning, “Your guess is as good as mine.”

Definitions Health