Subject: Marriage (Page 3)

A punctual husband is a lonely man.

cartoon character in The Lockhorns by (Bunny Hoest & John Reiner)
Characteristics Marriage

Last week I planned my husband’s funeral; he hasn’t died yet, it’s just what I do when he annoys me.

comedian & actress
Husbands Marriage

Fidelity : A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Characteristics Definitions Marriage

One good husband is worth two good wives for the scarcer things are, the more they’re valued.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Husbands Marriage Wives

My wife and I did the Jewish divorce custom where we took a broken glass and we put it back together.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian
Beliefs Divorce Religion

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
Husbands Marriage Situations Sleep Wives

Georgie got engaged the way other people got haircuts; it was just something he did every few months whether he needed to or not.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Marriage

Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't, they'd be married too.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Husbands Marriage People Women

My first wife, I’ll never forget her… and I’ve tried.

(1922 – 1991) American comedian
Marriage Wives

I had to go by the drug store to get some marital aids: breath mints for you and Wild Turkey for me!

(1946 – ) American actor
Marriage Sex TV/Movie Quotes

All the unhappy marriages come from husbands having brains; what good are brains to a man? … they only unsettle him.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
Husbands Intelligence Marriage Wisdom

Husband: One who stands by you in troubles you wouldn’t have had if you hadn’t married him.

Definitions Marriage

Retirement means twice as much husband on half as much money.

Marriage Money Wives Work

One day as I came home early from work… I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives

Matrimony: The splice of life.

Definitions Marriage Wordplay

I married beneath me – all women do.

(1879 – 1964) British politician
Marriage Women

Desertion: The poor man’s divorce.

Definitions Divorce Marriage

My husband was so ugly, he used to stand outside the doctor’s office and make people sick.

(1894 – 1975) American comedian
Appearance Health Husbands Marriage Ugly

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals Divorce Marriage Money

Most wives are like ventriloquists: they stand there nodding while the dummy does all the talking.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Communication Marriage Speech Wives

After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together.

(1954 – ) Indian Professor of Journalism
Husbands Marriage Wives