Subject: Money (Page 33)

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

A lifelong friend is one you haven't borrowed money from yet.

(1914 – 1953) Welsh-born poet & writer

Death is a wonderful way of cutting down on your expenses.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

I put mirrors around all the light bulbs; now the electric company sends me a check each month.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Stress is your body's way of saying you haven't worked enough unpaid overtime.

(1957 – ) cartoonist (Dilbert)

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

…if you rub up against money long enough, some of it may rub off on you.

(1990 – 1946) newspaperman & writer

No one is rich enough to do without a neighbor.

When you come to Heritage USA, remember to bring your Bible and your VISA card—because the Bible is the Holy Truth, and God doesn't take American Express.

(1939 – ) American televangelist

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor

There are only two things as complicated as insurance accounting… and I have no idea what they are.

(1947 – ) American journalist, author & columnist

A little incompatibility is the spice of life, as long as he has income and she is pattable.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

Philanthropist: A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love; the poor know that it is money.

(1894 – 1987) British writer

If you’re wondering if you have enough money to take the family out to eat tonight, you don’t.

(1917 – 1994) American writer

An idealist is a person who helps other people to be prosperous.

(1863 – 1947) automobile industrialist

Delayed Payment: A tourniquet applied at the pockets.

Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?

(1927 – 2004) American comedian & actor

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist

If my films don’t show a profit, I know I’m doing something right.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Everything takes more time and money.