Subject: People (Page 23)

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me, because she calls me her sixty-second lover.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I’m really no different than anybody else; except that sometimes I get my name in the paper.

Canadian professional hockey player

It was a hard name to have growing up as a child; kids would call me names like “Birbiglebug” and “Birbibliography” and “Faggot.”

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer

Imagine being in a room filled with losers.

(1968 – ) Welsh comedian

No married man is genuinely happy if he has to drink worse whisky than he used to drink when he was single.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

[George Bush] has the look about him of someone who might sit up and yip for a Dog Yummie.

(1932 – 1997) newspaper columnist

Economists are still trying to figure out why the girls with the least principle draw the most interest.

I'm not into sports. If someone told me I had athlete's foot, I'd say that's not my foot!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

I’ve been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks; the rest of them take after the other side of the family.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.

(1947 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & television producer

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

(1973 – ) American comedian

It's so unfair because I go out of my way not to treat women like objects and end up having to treat objects like women.

stand-up comedian

I’m selling a “Bigfoot hunting for Christians” book because people who believe in both will obviously buy anything.

American comedian

You might be a redneck if… your house still has the "WIDE LOAD" sign on the back.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Sometimes people come up to me and they'll be like, 'In Italy, it's pronounced 'Bir-Bee-Lya’ … and I'm like, 'In America, you're annoying.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer

In a relationship you have to communicate, which means listening to her talk… ladies, you fake orgasms… we fake listening.

(1962 – ) American comedian & actor

It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad; an optimist is a man who hopes they are.

(1834 – 1928) American attorney for Cornelius Vanderbilt

A birth-control pill for men, that's fair. It makes more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.

American actor & comedian

The more one gets to know of men, the more one values dogs.

(1803 – 1885) French writer & journalist

I'm the only woman who can walk in Central Park at night… and reduce the crime rate.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress