Subject: Situations (Page 16)

I would imagine the inside of a bottle of cleaning fluid is really clean… I would imagine a vodka bottle is really drunk.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I put mirrors around all the light bulbs; now the electric company sends me a check each month.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Situations

Set aside half an hour every day to do all your worrying; then take a nap during this period.

Situations Sleep

We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?


(1924 – ) American businessman, president, CEO of Chrysler Corporation
Autos Situations

Don't worry, I'm merely catching up with sleep.

Epitaphs Situations Sleep

Vietnam without the mosquitoes.

(1953 – ) American journalist, columnist & novelist
Situations

Either I’ve been missing something or nothing has been going on.

American author
Situations

Good work, Mary: We all knew you had it in you.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Situations

If you’re flammable and have legs, you’re never blocking a fire exit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I walked up to the airport information desk and asked, “How many airports are in the world?”

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks… and it was way to literal for me.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I want to get non-aerosol mace, you just rub it in. "Dude who is attacking me – come a little closer!"

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Situations Things

I want to commit a crime during a reenactment, and turn it into an enactment.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Conflict Crime Situations

I once caught a peeping Tom booing me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Sex Situations

Poor Jesus; first he's crucified, then he has to spend his Saturdays with Jerry Falwell.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
People Situations

In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on… and this person must be fired.

Murphy’s Laws People Situations

A hole is nothing at all, but you can break your neck in it.

(1858 – 1932) American physicist, physician & humorist
Problems Situations

We had gay burglars the other night; they broke in and rearranged the furniture.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor
Situations

I want to ride in a cold air balloon; “This isn’t going anywhere!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Situations

A plastic surgeon's office the only place where no one gets offended when you pick your nose!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Body Situations

Room service is great if you want to pay $500 for a club sandwich.

(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Situations