Subject: Situations (Page 16)

If I ever saw bat shit, I’d be like, ‘that’s crazy.’

(1973 – ) American comedian

What the hell is a ‘time out;” when I was growing up, we had black outs.

(1962 – ) American actor & comedian

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday but never remembers her age.

(1874 – 1963) American poet

If we don't change direction soon, we'll end up where we're going.

(1914 – ) American comic & actor

Sometimes you can’t hear me, because sometimes I am in parentheses.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a minute, but set him on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the amount of dope I would need to smoke in order to visit a shoe museum?

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

If a company’s most valuable resource is its people, how come the employees aren’t locked up, but the toilet paper is in a reinforced steel box with a lock, bolted to the stall?

The other night I went out on a date with a guy who said he didn't like girls who were fragile or vulnerable… so I stabbed him.

comedian

The amount of sleep needed by the average person is five minutes more.

typographer

If I was “The Bachelor” we’d all play Mario Kart for eight weeks… then I’d pick the one with the biggest boobs.

American comedian

If your time ain't come, not even a doctor can kill you.

I'm a study of a man in chaos in search of frenzy.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

Order is an exotic in Ireland; it has been imported from England but it will not grow. It suits neither soil nor climate.

(1818 – 1894) English historian, novelist, biographer & editor

Never argue with a man who buys his ink by the barrel.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor

I'm not against half-naked girls – not as often as I'd like to be.

(1924 – 1992) English comedian & actor

I used to carry condoms, but I know I’ve got a better chance of getting a stomach ache than getting laid.

American comedian

Nothing is impossible; some things are just less likely than others.

(1925 – 2013) comedian & actor

If my dead father was alive to hear that, it would kill him.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

There can’t be a crisis next week, my schedule is already full.

(1923 – ) German-born diplomat & scholar