Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Situations
(Page 50)
Last time I went camping I accidentally borrowed a circus tent.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities
Situations
Things
Camping
Circus tents
Sometimes I'm so bored at a party, I'll slip myself a roofie.
Karen Bergreen
comedian & author
Drugs
Self
Situations
Boredom
Parties
Never position a rock near a hard place.
Rohan Candappa
(1962 – ) English writer
Communication
Situations
Wordplay
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
Jules Renard
(1864 – 1910) French author
Characteristics
Situations
Laziness
When I was on acid, I’d see things like beams of light and I’d hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities
Autos
Drugs
Situations
Acid
Some people are better imagined in one's bed than found there in the morning.
P.J. O'Rourke
(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Ideas
Sex
Situations
Bed
Imagination
Ironic how you can’t get kids out of their beds in the morning but you can’t get them into their beds at night.
Kathy Lette
(1958 – ) Australian author
Children
Family
Situations
Sleep
There can’t be a crisis next week, my schedule is already full.
Henry Kissinger
(1923 – ) German-born diplomat & scholar
Situations
Time
Crises
I was troubled by the presence of a shoe museum because it forced me to ask a very burning question: would my body be able to physically survive the amount of dope I would need to smoke in order to visit a shoe museum?
Arj Barker
(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities
Drugs
Situations
Boredom
Shoes
If at first you don't succeed, try try again… then quit; there's no use being a damn fool about it.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Failure
Situations
Success
If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it.
Albert Einstein
(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Intelligence
Science/Weather
Situations
Research
Leave it to a girl to take the fun out of sex discrimination.
Bill Watterson
(1955 – ) cartoonist
(Calvin and Hobbes)
Beliefs
Girls
Situations
Discrimination
You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today; they left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’
Tommy Cooper
(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician
Activities
Driving
Situations
I’ve been temping at the job that laid me off, and that’s awkward because everybody knows I got canned, and they think I’ve come back to shoot them.
Joe DeVito
stand-up comedian & writer
Conflict
Situations
Work
I went to the 30th reunion of my preschool; I didn’t want to go, because I’ve put on like a hundred pounds.
Wendy Liebman
(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Appearance
Body
Fat
Situations
Reunions
Mediocrity imitates.
Heymann's Law
Murphy’s Laws
Situations
Mediocrity
The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.
Daniel Tosh
(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
People
Situations
Bicycles
Cyclists
In every organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on… and this person must be fired.
Conway's Law
Murphy’s Laws
People
Situations
Fired
Organizations
The minute a man reaches thirty thousand feet, he immediately becomes consumed by distasteful sexual fantasies which involve doing uncomfortable things in those tiny toilets.
Cynthia Heimel
American playwright, television writer & author
Men
People
Sex
Situations
Airplanes
Fantasies
Never order a drink where you get to keep the glass.
Roger Simon
novelist, screenwriter & businessman
Food/Drink
Situations
If a tree falls in the woods, and nobody is around to hear it, and it hits a mime, does anyone care?
Gary Larson
(1950 – ) American cartoonist
The Far Side
People
Situations
Mimes
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