Subject: Situations (Page 50)

Nobody talks more of free enterprise and competition and of the best man winning than the man who inherited his father’s store or farm.

(1916 – 1962) American sociologist & professor

The geek shall inherit the earth.

If you're 19 and you stay up all night, it's like a victory, like you've beat the night, but, if you're over 30, then that sun is like God's flashlight.

(1953 – ) American comedian, actor, voice artist, & columnist

People come up to me and say, "Emo, do people really come up to you?"

(1956 – ) American comedian

I grew up in a very large family in a very small house; I never slept alone until after I was married.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist

Every time I think about changing a diaper, I run a little bit harder and a little bit faster to make sure I can afford a nanny until my daughter's old enough to take care of that herself.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality

For every set of horseshoes human beings use for luck, somewhere in this world there’s a barefoot horse.

(1924 – 1973) American comic

Have you ever worn a different deodorant and for the rest of the day you feel like there is a stranger standing next to you.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

The best way to keep a man is in doubt.

(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist

I once went on a date and asked the woman if she'd brought any protection… she pulled a switchblade on me.

writer, website creator

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three – and paradise is when you have none.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you are in the bathroom.

No matter… the dead bird does not leave the nest.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

The new hardware will break down as soon as the old is disconnected and out.

Order is an exotic in Ireland; it has been imported from England but it will not grow. It suits neither soil nor climate.

(1818 – 1894) English historian, novelist, biographer & editor

Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest.

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances are 50–50 it will.

When you are down and out something always turns up – and it is usually the noses of your friends.

(1915 – 1985) stage & film actor & director

If you are going through hell… keep going.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator

I bought a portable cable TV.

comedian