Subject: Things (Page 18)

In order to get out of car, open door, get out, lock doors, and then close doors.

Autos Signs

Push something hard enough and it will fall over.

Murphy’s Laws Things

My watch is three hours fast, and I can’t fix it… so I’m going to move to New York.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday; she says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

God is good, but never dance in a small boat.

Dance God Proverbs Things

I’m not a fighter; I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Autos Conflict Fights Things

In California, if someone crosses the street, we'll stop.

(1963 – ) American actor & stand-up comedian
Autos Places

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Autos Things

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

(1953 – ) comedian & actor
Autos People Things Women

I thought “RV” stood for “Recreational Vehicle…” No! It stands for “Ruins Vacations.”

Autos Things

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn't happen today.

(1919 – 1990) educator & writer
Intelligence Things

Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

Bought an ant farm the other day… them fellas didn’t grow shit.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Situations Things

Ever drive by one of those things on the highway which tells you how fast you’re going?… I don’t even pay attention to them anymore because I found a similar gadget in my dashboard

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
Autos Things

Men love watches with multiple functions; my husband has one that is a combination address book, telescope and piano.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Men People Things

Obsolete: Any computer you own.

Computers Definitions Things

I found a guy's wallet and inside was a picture of my kids!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
People Things

I can’t drive an automatic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving Things

If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Things

People that drive a gas-guzzling SUV and they put a flag on it – that's like a whore wearing a rosary.

comedian, television host & actor
Autos Things