Author: Anonymous Page 134

Alimony: A system wherein two people make a mistake, and one of them keeps on paying for it.

Divorce Marriage

“I wouldn’t mind going with you to the tennis match,” she said gamely.

Tom Swifties

Niagara Falls: The bride’s second great disappointment.

Definitions Places Sex

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Definitions Science/Weather Taxes

Testosterone: Hormone which causes facial hair, muscularity, a deep voice, speeding tickets, the desire to watch professional wrestling, Arnold Shwarzenegger movies, war, fist fights, and the need to purchase cocktails for women with names like “Boom Boom. ”

Definitions Men

It's so far removed, it goes right over our heads.

Mixed metaphors

Clever Woman: One who knows how to give a man her own way.

Definitions

Nervous as a hound pissing peach pits

Emotions Expressions

“I told you not to ride that horse,” Tom nagged.

Tom Swifties

“Fire!” yelled Tom alarmingly.

Tom Swifties

Monastery: Consecration camp.

Definitions Religion

What a messy house. How can they live in such squander.

Malaprops

He is so ugly… when he throws a boomerang it won’t come back.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

Fashion: A make-work program to get women to buy new clothes for no real reason before the old clothes wear out.

Appearance Clothing Definitions

“I’m putting on my T-shirt, shorts, and sunglasses,” Tom summarized.

Tom Swifties

Middle age: When a woman’s hair starts turning from gray to black.

Age Appearance Definitions Hair

That’s a kettle of fish of a different color.

Mixed metaphors

What happened to the first 6 “ups?”

Communication Food/Drink Language

Vaccine: A microbe with his face washed.

Definitions Health

It ain't rocket surgery.

Mixed metaphors

I’ll be on him like a wild dog on a ham.

Expressions