Author: Anonymous Page 28

“I clubbed a diamondback snake with a spade,” Tom said heartlessly.

Tom Swifties

Expert: A person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field.

Definitions

“Why is this telephone flex always tangled?” asked Tom coyly.

Tom Swifties

Only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy; one is to let her think she is having her own way, and the other is to let her have it.

Emotions Happiness Marriage Wives

The cost of the hairdo is directly related to the strength of the wind.

Appearance Hair Murphy’s Laws

Beware my friend… you are skating on hot water.

Mixed metaphors

As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Animals Appearance Dogs Expressions Ugly

Take Home Pay: An amount of money which is called that because it is never big enough to go anywhere else with it.

Definitions Money

“We have no oranges,” Tom said fruitlessly.

Tom Swifties

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.

Situations Time

Economist: A man who knows more about money than the people who have it.

Definitions Occupations People

This is really a jack of all trades and master of non.

Misspokements

Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you’re going to get or how long it will last.

Sex

“My bicycle wheel is melting,” Tom spoke softly.

Tom Swifties

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they’re probably broke.

Emotions Love Money

Courtesy: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.

Dating Definitions Relationships

She is so ugly… when she goes swimming the tide goes out.

Appearance Exaggerations Ugly

Success can be insured only by devising a defense against failure of the contingency plan.

Failure Murphy’s Laws Problems Success

Income: The sum of money which it costs more than to live.

Definitions Money

It’s time to step up to the plate and lay your cards on the table.

Mixed metaphors

Garden Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

Definitions