Author: Anonymous Page 8

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you; tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure.

Beliefs Murphy’s Laws

Borrow money from pessimists; they don't expect it back.

Characteristics Money

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Problems Situations

She tried to use reverse psychiatry on me.

Malaprops

If there is a substitute for brains it has to be silence.

Intelligence

A gentleman never swears at his wife when ladies are present.

Characteristics Men People

I'd rather be rich than stupid.

Intelligence Money Stupidity Wealth

Eunuch: One who is cut off from temptation.

Body Definitions

Bank: An institution that will gladly lend you money provided you can prove you don’t need it.

Definitions Money

It's as easy as falling off a piece of cake.

Mixed metaphors

“I won’t tell you anything about my salivary glands,” said Tom secretively.

Tom Swifties

“Where’s my pants?” asked Tom briefly.

Tom Swifties

Traffic Light: A little green light that changes to red as your car approaches.

Autos Definitions Things

She is so fat… she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.

Appearance Body Exaggerations Fat

“Look at my shiny kitchen floor”, said Tom, waxing enthusiastic.

Tom Swifties

Grandmother: A babysitter who doesn’t hang around the refrigerator.

Definitions Family

Home: A place where a man is free to say anything he pleases because no one pays any attention to him.

Definitions Places

Convict: The only person who likes to be stopped in the middle of a sentence.

Crime Definitions

They live in a two-storage house.

Malaprops

“Zoos are a necessary evil, I think,” said Tom cagily.

Tom Swifties

Aussie Kiss: Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

Definitions Sex