Author: Stewart Francis

I failed math so many times in school, I can’t even count.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Education School

I was a young lad living under a poker table with a chip on my shoulder.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

My father is schizophrenic, but he’s good people.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Fathers Health

There's a fine line between hyphenated words…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

Knock knock jokes are completely wasted on the homeless.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment

Did I already tell you my Alzheimer's joke?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

Receiving oral sex from an ugly person is like rock climbing; you should never look down.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Sex Ugly

We have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom; in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns five tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Mothers Old

There’s nothing but porn on TV these days. I tell you, it makes me so angry, I sit on the end of my bed and shake my fist at it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Television

My teacher used to say I wasn't very observant… to be honest, that was her opinion.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I really like what mechanics wear… overall.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Appearance Clothing Work

I went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, “Will you be putting that up yourself?” I replied, “No, you ****. I’ll be putting it up in my living room.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I recently gave a talk to a group of backpackers; they were on the edge of their seats.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language

I was going to join the debating team, but somebody talked me out of it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Activities Communication Speech

Did I already do my déjà vu joke?

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I wrote a book about a transsexual with a speech impediment; it's called Man or Myth.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People

I saw a documentary on how ships are kept together; it was riveting.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

Regarding my family, I’m the youngest of three; my parents are both older.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Age Family Relationships

I went to a therapy group to help me cope with loneliness, but no one else turned up.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Emotions

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Parents Things

I quit my job at the helium gas factory; I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech Work