Author: Dave Barry Page 3
Scientists tell us that the fastest animal on earth, with a top speed of 120 ft/sec, is a cow that has been dropped out of a helicopter.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Men – because of a tragic flaw – cannot see dirt until there is enough of it to support agriculture.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The only kind of seafood I trust is the fish stick, a totally featureless fish that doesn't have eyeballs or fins.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Calculus: The branch of mathematics that is so scary it causes everybody to stop studying mathematics.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We believe that electricity exists, because the electric company keeps sending us bills for it, but we cannot figure out how it travels inside wires.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
A dropped object will fall with an acceleration of 32 feet per second per second, and if it is your wallet, it will make every effort to land in a public toilet.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly,’ meaning ‘many,’ and the word ‘ticks,’ meaning ‘blood sucking parasites.’
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Not all chemicals are bad; without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Karate is a form of martial arts in which people who have had years and years of training can, using only their hands and feet, make some of the worst movies in the history of the world.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist