Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Activities
(Page 8)
It is impossible to imagine Goethe or Beethoven being good at billiards or golf.
H.L. Mencken
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Activities
Golf
Sports
Beethoven
Billiards
Goethe
I joined Gamblers Anonymous; they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it!
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities
Gambling
Someone stole my antidepressants; whoever they are, I hope they’re happy.
Richard Stott
Activities
Drugs
Antidepressants
Sound Sleeper: Someone who snores.
Anonymous
Activities
Definitions
Sleep
Snoring
Sound Sleeper
The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that is the way to bet.
Damon Runyon
(1990 – 1946) newspaperman & writer
Activities
Success
Betting
Several members of our youth department are collecting donations for Operation Graduation. Funds will be used for a drug and alcohol party following graduation on May 29th.
Church Bulletin
Alcohol
Church Bulletins
Drugs
Party
A vacation frequently means that the family goes away for a rest, accompanied by mother, who sees that the others get it.
Marcelene Cox
writer
Activities
Family
Mothers
Vacations
Knitting: An exercise that gives women something to do when they are talking.
Anonymous
Activities
Definitions
Knitting
I try to keep fit; I’ve got these parallel bars at home… I run at them and try to buy a drink from both of them.
Arthur Smith
(1954 – ) English comedian writer
Activities
Alcohol
Exercise
Food/Drink
Parallel bars
I tried cocaine to lose weight… it just made me eat faster.
Lenny Clarke
(1953 – ) American comedian & actor
Activities
Appearance
Body
Drugs
Eating
Fat
If women dressed for men, the stores wouldn't sell much – just an occasional sun visor.
Groucho Marx
(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Appearance
Clothing
Men
People
Shopping
Women
Whenever I feel the need for exercise I go and lie down for half an hour until the feeling passes.
Will Rogers
(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Activities
Exercise
What do gardeners do when they retire?
Bob Monkhouse
(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Activities
Gardeners
Retire
It's better to have loved and lost than do forty pounds of laundry a week.
Salvador Dali
(1904 – 1989) Spanish surrealist painter
Emotions
Housework
Love
Laundry
One night I was playing poker with tarot cards; I got a full house and four people died.
Steven Wright
(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities
Games
People
Cards
Full house
Tarot cards
The saying “Getting there is half the fun” became obsolete with the advent of commercial airlines.
Henry J. Tillman
Activities
Situations
Travel
Airlines
Fun
Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.
W.C. Fields
(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Activities
Characteristics
Games
Chance
Fairness
A man who goes into a supermarket for a few items would rather walk around balancing them than put them in one of those little baskets.
Rita Rudner
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities
Men
People
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities
Marriage
Problems
Shopping
Wives
Customs is punishment for those who travel.
Godfrey
(1969 – ) American comedian & actor
Activities
Travel
Customs
She took my son to Costco, bought 14 pounds of Oreos – and saved us money somehow.
Joey Kola
American stand-up comedian
Marriage
Money
Shopping
Wives
Saving
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