Subject: Communication

He writes dialogues by cutting monologues in two.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Reading/Writing Reviews/Criticism

Tissue: Your daily nosepaper.

Definitions Wordplay

Why don't they have waiters in waiting rooms?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Communication Language

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV’s as ‘4’s’?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

A comic should suffer as much over a single line as a man with a hernia would in picking up a heavy barbell.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Communication Reading/Writing

The president of France said that the English are arrogant with their refusal to learn foreign languages; at least, I think that’s what he said… it all just sounded like “haw-he-haw-he-haw-he-haw.”

(1973 – ) English writer & stand-up comedian
Communication England Language Places

A day without newspapers is like walking around without your pants on.

(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer
Misspokements Reading/Writing

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

Language Science/Weather

Foresight is knowing when to shut your mouth before someone suggests it.

Communication Speech

There is nothing so annoying as to have two people talking when you're busy interrupting.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Communication People Speech

Eating without conversation is only stoking.

writer
Communication Conversation Eating Food/Drink

This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar;’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?’

(1967 – ) English actor, writer & comedian
Miscellaneous Wordplay

The Houston Astros play in a vast indoor stadium known as the Astrodome, but the problem is they field a half-vast team.

American baseball player
Baseball Sports Wordplay

The man who says "I may be wrong, but… " does not believe there can be any such possibility.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Communication

A fly was very close to being called a “land,” cause that's what they do half the time.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Communication Language

Carp in denim – There's a fish in my pants!

Communication

It seems pointless to be quoted if one isn’t going to quotable.

(1937 – ) British playwright & screenwriter
Communication

They stayed away in droves.

(1879 – 1974) film producer
Communication Misspokements Speech

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Animals Communication Conversation Speech

She stopped the show – but then the show wasn't traveling very fast.

(1899 – 1973) English playwright, actor, composer, director & songwriter
Acting Communication Entertainment Reviews/Criticism

The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously.

(1911 – 1978) U.S. vice president & politician
Communication Intelligence Opinion