Subject: Health (Page 7)

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Health Insults

You're looking for a lump in a bag of lumps… that can take some time.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Health Men People

Somebody once said that laughter is the best medicine, and that was clearly written by a man that never tried Vicodin.

(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author
Activities Drugs Emotions Health Laughter

You do live longer with bran, but you spend the last fifteen years on the toilet.

(1927 – 2004) American comedian & actor
Food/Drink Health Life

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Communication Health

A Harvard Medical School study has determined that rectal thermometers are still the best way to tell a baby's temperature; plus, it really teaches the baby who's boss.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer
Health

Dermatologist: Person who makes rash judgments.

Definitions Doctors Health

In her elastic stockings, next to her very close veins.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Health Malaprops

What am I drinking? … NyQuil on the rocks, for when you're feeling sick but sociable.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Alcohol Food/Drink Health

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Health Money Places

I’ve just learned about his illness; let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.

(1876 – 1944) American author, humorist & columnist
Health Insults

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I’m someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Doctors Health

Minor Operation: One performed on someone else.

Definitions Health

A man walked into the doctor’s; the doctor said, ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time.' … The man replied, ‘I know, I’ve been ill.'

(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician
Doctors Health

We may lay down a maxim, that when a nation abounds in physicians it grows thin of people.

(1672 – 1719) English essasyist, poet & politician
Doctors Health Murphy’s Laws People

I don’t think my wife likes me very much, when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.

(1926 – 2012) Irish comedian & actor
Health Love Marriage Wives

I go to a woman dentist… it a relief to be told to open my mouth instead of shut it.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Health

I went to a doctor, and all he did is suck blood from my neck; don't go see Dr. Acula.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Doctors Health

The thing that would bother me most would be a dog smoking a cigar.

(1921 – 2000) comedian, television host, musician, actor & writer
Health

Four hundred bucks an hour for being sort of nice to sad people.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & voice actor
Doctors Health Money Occupations

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Doctors Health