Subject: People (Page 60)

Look at this dais… you've got a pimp, a murderer, a drug dealer, a pornographer… and then eight white people.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
People

Sometimes he was inaudible – those were his best moments.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
People Reviews/Criticism

A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
People Success

He was once visiting the French Quarter during a hurricane and got blown behind a dumpster.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
People Places Sex

Hello!… we heard you at the door, but just thought you were part of the bad weather.

(1886 – 1969) American journalist & humorist
Communication People

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance People Self Ugly

There are three faithful friends, an old wife, an old dog, and ready money.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Dogs Friends Money People Wives

You leave white people alone in constant isolation for thousands of years, you know what their musical contribution is going to be?… Riverdance.

(1959 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & television host
Entertainment Music People

A consultant is someone you pay a hundred-dollars-an-hour to give you the same advice you ignore from your assistant.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Occupations People Work

The more one gets to know of men, the more one values dogs.

(1803 – 1885) French writer & journalist
Animals Dogs People

Woman: A person who needs a shoe larger on the inside than outside.

Definitions People

You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Intelligence Language People Thinking Women

Don’t marry a man to reform him; that’s what reform schools are for.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Marriage Men School

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what you start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake; I feel better already!

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Food/Drink Self

My ancestors didn't come over on the Mayflower, but they were there to meet the boat.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
History People Things Time

My mother loved children – she would have given anything if I had been one.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Children Family People Self

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics Conflict Killing People

Men are simple things; they can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Men People

I had a woman come up to me at the airport and say, “I don’t mean to insult you, but you look like Bobcat Goldthwait.”

(1962 – ) comedian, actor, voice actor, screenwriter, & film & television director
Appearance People Self

Mixed Company: What you are in when you think of a story you can’t tell there.

Definitions People

I was Caesarean born; you can’t really tell, although whenever I leave a house, I go out through the window.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous Self