Subject: People (Page 60)

Economist: A man who knows more about money than the people who have it.

According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about a woman is their eyes, and women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars

All modern men are descended from a wormlike creature… but it shows more on some people.

(1884 – 1949) American humorist & literary critic

Apparently, women need to feel loved to have sex and men need to have sex to feel loved, so the basic act of continuing the species requires a lie from one of you.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor

Any woman who thinks the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is aiming about 10 inches too high.

writer, humorist, columnist & speaker

Unbeknownst to most historians, Einstein started down the road of professional basketball before an ankle injury diverted him to science.

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

(1929 – ) American media critic

An expert really doesn't know anymore than you do. He is merely better organized and has slides.

You might be a redneck if… you've ever worn a tube-top to a funeral home.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director

Being an old maid is like death by drowning, a really delightful sensation after you cease to struggle.

(1885 – 1968) American writer

Younger Generation: A group that is alike in many disrespects.

I used to get bummed out when it rained; then I realized that it's God's way of washing off hippies.

(1973 – ) American comedian

Mixed Company: What you are in when you think of a story you can’t tell there.

I don’t like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I’m both; well, I’m not black – but if I was then I could dance better.

(1983 – ) American comedian

Only a man who has loved a woman of genius can appreciate what happiness there is in loving a fool.

(1754 – 1838) French prime minister & diplomat

To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

The only people who listen to both sides of a family quarrel are the next-door neighbors.

The one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same person.

(1962 – ) writer & journalist

Being a star has made it possible for me to get insulted in places where the average Negro could never hope to go and get insulted.

(1925 – 1990) American entertainer

We are all worms, but I do believe I am a glowworm.

(1874 – 1965) British prime minister, politician, statesman & orator