Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
People
(Page 60)
Egotism: Usually a case of mistaken nonentity.
Barbara Stanwyck
(1907 – 1990) American actress
Characteristics
Self
Egotism
We are the people our parents warned us about.
Jimmy Buffett
(1946 – ) singer, songwriter, author & businessman
Family
Parents
People
Warning
The Bible declares that on the sixth day God created man; right then and there, God should have demanded a damage deposit.
Jim Hightower
(1943 – ) U.S. agriculture commissioner, columnist, activist & author
Beliefs
God
People
The Bible
A man who goes into a supermarket for a few items would rather walk around balancing them than put them in one of those little baskets.
Rita Rudner
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities
Men
People
Eddie Fisher married to Elizabeth Taylor is like me trying to wash the Empire State Building with a bar of soap.
Don Rickles
(1926 – 2017) American stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage
People
Situations
Eddie Fisher
Elizabeth Taylor
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Body
People
Self
Mask
Muggers
There’s a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there’s a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.
Roseanne Barr
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Family
Mothers
People
Women
Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.
Anthony Jeselnik
(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
People
Babies
The French like burgers, Madonna and
Miami Vice.
Nicolas Sarkozy
(1955 – ) French President & politician
People
Places
France
The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark…
Bob Hope
(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Golf
People
Sports
Gerald Ford
The best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one!
Anonymous
Dating
Men
Relationships
Sex
It requires a surgical operation to get a joke well into a Scotch understanding.
Reverend Sydney Smith
(1771 – 1845) English writer & Anglican clergyman
Entertainment
People
Places
Humor
Jokes
Scotland
Why is it old people say, ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one…
Stuart Mitchell
British comedian
People
Elderly
Some people can stay longer in an hour than others can in a week.
William Dean Howells
(1837 – 1920) American author
Insults
People
Relationships
Time
Guests
Women are not forgiven for aging; Robert Redford's lines of distinction are my old-age wrinkles.
Jane Fonda
(1937 – ) American actress, writer, political activist, & fitness exponent
Age
Men
People
Women
Wrinkles
It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
Robert Frost
(1874 – 1963) American poet
Marriage
Men
People
About the only difference between the poor and the rich, is… the poor suffer misery, while the rich have to enjoy it.
Josh Billings
(1818 – 1885) humorist
Money
People
How can you tell if a Korean broke into your house?… your dog is missing, and your homework is done.
Suzanne Whang
(1962 – ) American television host, actress & comedian
Animals
Dogs
People
School
Koreans
Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate.
Jone's Motto
Age
Friends
Murphy’s Laws
People
Enemies
In order to make a man or boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to attain.
Twain's First Law
Characteristics
Men
People
Situations
Boys
Coveting
The female sex has no greater fan than I, and I have the bills to prove it.
Alan Jay Lerner
(1918 – 1986) American lyricist
Money
People
Women
Page 60 of 129
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