Subject: Work (Page 7)

Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.

(1899 – 1995) humorist

I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

Freelance: To collect unemployment.

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

People are still willing to do an honest day's work; the trouble is they want a week's pay for it.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist

Clergyman: A ticket speculator outside the gates of Heaven.

It's on the other side.

I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Incompetence tends to increase with the level of work performed. And naturally the individual’s staff needs will increase as his level of incompetence increases.

Statistician: A person who can draw a mathematically precise line from an unwarranted assumption to a foregone conclusion. 

Management: A class of semi-skilled corporate hirelings whose rise within the organization correlates directly with the amount of work they delegate to their more-talented underlings.

Thinking is the hardest work there is, which is the probable reason why so few engage in it.

(1863 – 1947) automobile industrialist

The ideal resume will turn up one day after the position is filled.

What’s interesting about sports writers is that they don’t know how to play sports, and a lot of them don’t know how to write.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer

The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Manicurist: A girl who makes money hand over fist.

People who work putting shoes on fat women who wear dresses should not have 20/20 vision.

(1946 – ) American actor

Me carrying a briefcase is like a hotdog wearing earrings.

(1934 – 2010) American baseball manager

If hard work is the key to success, most people would rather pick the lock.

(1925 – ) writer

Gourmet: A food fetishist.

Simple jobs always get put off because there will be time to do them later.