Keyword: Christmas

The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Clothing Husbands Marriage

A Merry Christmas to all my friends except two.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Friends People

One year my parents got me Hide and Seek for Christmas.

(1968 – ) Welsh comedian
Family Parents

The outdoor lights that tested perfectly indoors develop burn-outs as soon as they are strung on the house.

Murphy’s Laws

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Children Family

You might be a redneck if… Mailpouch sends you Christmas cards.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks

Do we have to keep talking about religion? It’s Christmas!

(1981 – ) American actress
TV/Movie Quotes

People that put up Christmas decorations, all they’re saying is ‘Hey, we’re not Jews.’

(1957 – ) American comedian
Beliefs Religion Situations

From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it.

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Money

Christmas is a time when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Nancy Cartwright)
TV/Movie Quotes

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Science/Weather

After you’ve mailed your last card, you will receive a card from someone you overlooked.

Communication Murphy’s Laws Reading/Writing

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body

What does Christmas mean if we can't encourage small children to sit on a stranger's lap?

Irish journalist
Situations

Christmas: A warm, cheery two-month festival that celebrates the joy of retail merchandise.

Definitions

My kid wanted a BB gun for Christmas, I got him the BB gun and he gave me a sweater with a bull’s eye on it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family

Aren’t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas; you know, the birth of Santa.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Nancy Cartwright)
TV/Movie Quotes

Oh, joy, Christmas Eve. By this time tomorrow, millions of Americans, knee-deep in tinsel and wrapping paper will utter those heartfelt words, ‘Is this all I got?’

(1955 – ) American actor, comedian, producer, director & singer
TV/Movie Quotes

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Problems

That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor
TV/Movie Quotes

Christmas is a baby shower that went totally overboard.

(1958 – ) American writer, comedian, satirist & actor
Beliefs