Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.
(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
May you be cursed with chronic anxiety about the weather.
(1837 – 1921) naturalist & essayist
It is so hot… Ed is actually putting ice in his Scotch.
(1925 – 2005) television host
Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue…and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake?… where does the glue go?"
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3.
(1943 – 2004) author & psychologist
Quality of life
It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer; we have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got Saran Wrap – FIX IT!
Well, evolution's just a” theory;” and, I'm thinking to myself, ‘Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'
(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
He has left his body to science… and science is contesting the will.
(1939 – ) British journalist, comedian, writer & media personality
Psychology: The care of the id by the odd.
At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?
(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.
Wernher von Braun
(1912 – 1977) German-born rocket engineer
I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade.
On being told that the temperature in a tournament was 105 degrees in the shade
USA Today has come out with a new survey; apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
(1947 – ) comedian & television host
The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them.
Samuel McChord Crothers
(1857 – 1927) Unitarian Universalist minister
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
Rare is the “improvement” that will ever repay the time lost in performing it.
Manes’s Law of Computer Enhancement
You might be a redneck if… you think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I love the idea of there being two sexes, don't you?
(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
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