Subject: Science/Weather

There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer

May you be cursed with chronic anxiety about the weather.

(1837 – 1921) naturalist & essayist

It is so hot… Ed is actually putting ice in his Scotch.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue…and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake?… where does the glue go?"

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

For a list of all the ways technology has failed to improve the quality of life, please press 3.

(1943 – 2004) author & psychologist

It’s absolutely stupid that we live without an ozone layer; we have men, we’ve got rockets, we’ve got Saran Wrap – FIX IT!

Well, evolution's just a” theory;” and, I'm thinking to myself, ‘Well, thank goodness gravity's a law.'

(1963 – ) American stand-up comedian

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

He has left his body to science… and science is contesting the will.

(1939 – ) British journalist, comedian, writer & media personality

Psychology: The care of the id by the odd.

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic

We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.

(1912 – 1977) German-born rocket engineer

I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade.

professional golfer

USA Today has come out with a new survey; apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

(1947 – ) comedian & television host

The trouble with facts is that there are so many of them.

(1857 – 1927) Unitarian Universalist minister

Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures

Rare is the “improvement” that will ever repay the time lost in performing it.

You might be a redneck if… you think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the three primary colors.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I love the idea of there being two sexes, don't you?

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
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