Subject: Age (Page 9)

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

I’m at the age where I have to find my hearing aid to ask where my glasses are.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer

My friend just got a trophy wife… must not have been first place.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

I still feel 30, except when I try to run.

(1929 – ) American comedian & comic actor

Ask any woman her age, and nine times out of ten she’ll guess wrong.

comedian

Eighty is a wonderful age… especially if you’re ninety.

(1900 – 1973) American journalist & editor

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving… he said it was elevator practice.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

It’s a good thing to be old, because that means you haven’t died yet, right?

(1974 – ) Spanish actress & model

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

The average age of our bench is deceased.

Los Angeles Dodgers’ manager

Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer

She has discovered the secret of perpetual middle age.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

You know, you get that tattoo of barbed wire when you’re 18, but by the time you’re 80, it’s a picket fence.

(1951 – 2014) comedian & actor

I didn’t see it [old age] coming — it hit me from the rear.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

20 to 40 is the fillet steak of life; after that it’s all short cuts.

(1922 – 1985) English poet & novelist

When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

My grandmother died having sex… I still cry every time I watch the video.

(Uncle Lar) American comedian

The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist