Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Beliefs
(Page 35)
It is a curious thing… that every creed promises a paradise which will be absolutely uninhabitable for anyone of civilized taste.
Evelyn Waugh
(1903 – 1966) English writer
Beliefs
Religion
Paradise
My mom brought us to mass every Sunday – short for ‘massive head trauma’ that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can’t sit still for anything that’s boring.
Richard Jeni
(1957 – 2007) American stand-up comedian & actor
Beliefs
Family
Mothers
Religion
Boredom
Catholicism
I love seeing [the Pope] in his Pope-Mobile, his three feet of bullet proof plexi-glass… that’s faith in action folks; you know he’s got God on his side.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Beliefs
Religion
Pope
The best time to give advice to your children is while they’re still young enough to believe you know what you’re talking about.
Anonymous
Beliefs
Children
Family
Intelligence
Opinion
Advice
The most radical revolutionary will become a conservative the day after the revolution.
Hannah Arendt
(1906 – 1975) German-born American political theorist
Beliefs
Government
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Woody Allen
(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Beliefs
God
Opinion
Atheist
Loyal Opposition
A conservative is someone who makes no changes and consults his grandmother when in doubt.
Woodrow Wilson
(1856 – 1924) 28th U.S. president & politician
Beliefs
Government
Politicians
Conservatives
If it’s free, it’s advice; if you pay for it, it’s counseling; if you can use either one, it’s a miracle.
Jack Adams
(1895 – 1968) Canadian hockey player, coach & general manager
Beliefs
Opinion
Advice
Counseling
Life after death is as improbable as sex after marriage.
Madeline Kahn
(1942 – 1999) American actress
Beliefs
Marriage
Sex
Life after death
Actions lie louder than words.
Carolyn Wells
(1862 – 1942) American author & poet
Beliefs
Honesty
Lies
Actions
WTF, I thought I voted for a Muslim?!
Protest sign
Beliefs
Religion
I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it.
Harry Truman
(1884 – 1972) 33rd U.S. president
Beliefs
Children
Advice
What a liberal wants is to bring about change which will not in any way endanger his position.
Stokely Carmichael
(1941 – 1998) Trinidadian-American and prominent figure in the Civil Rights Movement
Beliefs
Government
Liberals
I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she’s what’s known as “not at all attracted to me.”
Dov Davidoff
American comedian & actor
Beliefs
Attraction
I read the Book of Job last night; I don’t think God comes out of it well.
Virginia Wolfe
(1882 – 1941) English writer
Beliefs
God
Book of Job
That politician is so crooked he can hide behind a corkscrew.
Anonymous
Characteristics
Expressions
Honesty
Here's some advice for you guys: never hire a clown named Molesto.
Louis Katz
stand-up comedian
Beliefs
Advice
Clowns
I hate myself, but being Jewish has nothing to do with it.
Larry David
(1947 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & television producer
Beliefs
Religion
Self
Jewish
The world is a place that’s gone from being flat to round to crooked.
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Crime
Honesty
Places
World
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Anonymous
Beliefs
Mistakes
Murphy’s Laws
Proverbs
Listening
Having something to say is overrated.
Adair Lara
American writer
Beliefs
Communication
Opinion
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