Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Beliefs
(Page 35)
Reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.
Jon Stewart
(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian
Beliefs
Religion
Adam and Eve
Reason
It's bad luck to be superstititious.
Law of Superstition
Beliefs
Murphy’s Laws
Luck
Superstition
You can always tell when a man’s well-informed… his views are pretty much like yours.
Bob Hope
(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Beliefs
Intelligence
Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Reagan couldn't tell the difference.
Mort Sahl
(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor
Characteristics
Honesty
Insults
Lies
Nixon
Reagan
Washington
Generally the theories we believe we call facts, and the facts we disbelieve we call theories.
Felix Cohen
(1907 – 1953) American lawyer & scholar
Beliefs
Facts
Theories
Anybody who thinks talk is cheap should get some legal advice.
Franklin Jones
(1908 – 1980) businessman, humorist
Government
Law
Lawyers
Money
Opinion
Some people say there is a God; others say there is no God; the truth probably lies somewhere in between.
William Butler Yeats
(1865 – 1939) Irish poet & politician
Beliefs
God
Celebrities are invariably celebrity-mad, just as liars always believe liars.
Gore Vidal
(1925 – 2012) author, playwright, essayist & screenwriter
Beliefs
Honesty
Lies
People
Celebrities
My wife said: ‘I want an explanation and I want the truth.’ I said: ‘Make up your mind.’
Henny Youngman
(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Communication
Honesty
Marriage
Truth
Wives
Explanations
Once again, we come to the holiday season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Activities
Beliefs
Religion
Shopping
Holidays
Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?
Bob Hope
(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Beliefs
Golf
Honesty
Lies
Sports
On cheating in golf
I'm Jewish, and I experience a lot of racism as a Jew, probably even more than most Jews 'cause I'm a moneylender.
Leo Allen
(1972 – ) stand-up comedian & writer
Beliefs
Religion
Jews
Moneylenders
Racism
I know God will not give me anything I can't handle; I just wish that He didn't trust me so much."
Mother Teresa
(1910 – 1997) Albanian–born Indian Roman Catholic nun
Beliefs
God
Faith
We have a whole religion based on a woman who really stuck to her story.
Greg Giraldo
(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Beliefs
Religion
Catholicism
Faith
Virgin Mary
I can prove anything with statistics except the truth.
George Canning
(1770 – 1827) British statesman, politician & prime minister
Beliefs
Honesty
Truth
Statistics
A critic is someone who never actually goes to the battle, yet who afterwards comes out shooting the wounded.
Tyne Daly
(1946 – ) American stage & screen actress
Beliefs
Communication
Occupations
Work
Criticism
Critics
I must choose my words carefully in order to avoid any negative interpretation; among politicians, this is a tactic known as lying.
Pat Paulsen
(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign
Characteristics
Government
Honesty
Lies
Politicians
Every day, people are straying away from the Church and going back to God.
Lenny Bruce
(1923 – 1966) stand-up comedian, writer, social critic & satirist
Beliefs
God
Religion
Churches
White Lie: Aversion of the truth.
Anonymous
Beliefs
Definitions
Honesty
Lies
Truth
White Lie
An atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support.
Bishop Fulton Sheen
(1895 – 1979) American archbishop of the Catholic Church
Beliefs
Definitions
Religion
Also John Buchan
Atheists
The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology; until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
Bill Maher
(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator
Beliefs
People
Religion
Science/Weather
Altar boys
Church
Technology
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